I had bottom surgery almost a year ago and I regret it so much. I didn’t say anything up to now I kept getting told that feelings of doubt and uncertainty will get better as it heals, well it’s healed for over a month and it hasn’t gone away. It’s gotten worse! I feel like I’m broken, like part of me is missing. I wish I didn’t fucking do this shit. I miss my dick and balls so much.
Don’t tell me that I don’t regret it and that regret is rare. This isn’t the first time I spoke up. I said this shit on Reddit and the dipshits who run r/trans banned me telling me that regret is rare and that I probably don’t regret it, and that the chance of me being not trans is tiny. I explained to those dumb fucks that I 100% am trans, am a woman and that I miss my dick and balls and they got me suspended for 3 days and muted me.
I absolutely regret it and I absolutely am a woman. Some days (currently now) I think about killing myself because I know I’ll never be whole again. I just want to get in my car and drive off a gate bridge, and that would be it.
Your regret is valid and understandable. We all make choices in life that we can come to regret. I am very sorry that you find yourself in the unfortunate situation of wishing you could undo something that cannot be undone.
You are welcome to discuss this here but some of the language you use is extremely triggering and highly correlated with bigoted narratives about bottom surgery. Such as describing yourself as broken, describing your genitalia as rotting, etc. I normally allow a certain amount of this but frankly this thread was very intense and even just reading through it all to understand what was going on was quite hard. Some content warnings and perhaps a bit of consideration for other users would go a long way.
I’m sorry you’ve had bad experiences in other communities treating you like your regret isn’t real. Your suffering is real and you have every right to talk about it here with others. A lot of gatekeeping has gone on in this thread and I am working through it now to address it.
If anyone finds their comment has been removed by me I would encourage you to read the rules and understand that this is an inclusive community of all transfeminine people. Even if you suspect that someone is lying or misrepresenting themselves or their experiences, it is still not permissible to interrogate them in such a manner. You can always DM me or Ada if you suspect someone of showing up to cause trouble. But creating public threads to speculate on whether someone is a troll or not is just categorically unacceptable here. We have few reliable ways of emperically verifying those things out in the open. So its pointless and just promotes a hostile atmosphere of interrogation and gatekeeping.
I’m going to leave this thread locked for a bit while things die down.
I just wanted to add that for people who think OP is a troll, pls just block her and move on.
It is completely understandable to me that you want to protect the community from someone you are certain is a troll, but this just feeds the troll and stirs up drama - the best response to a troll is blocking and not engaging. Let the admins and mods handle the troll, you don’t have to.
This is something to take up with your medical professionals.
Health care systems vary, but hereabouts you’d have ongoing contact with a therapist, have scheduled follow-ups with surgeons and other doctors responsible for your surgery, and a legal mandate to be informed (beforehand) on your options in case of regrets.
I have no idea what you think an online community can do for you about this — Talk to the health care providers who got you this far.
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Your feelings are totally valid, my advice to you is to seek out a trans-friendly therapist and to work with them. It sounds more expensive than it is, and if it could save your life, it’s worth every penny.
I’m really really sorry you’re going through this, it sounds incredibly traumatic and difficult, and I really wish there was more advice I could give.
Try to hang in there, and I really really hope things improve for you.
I’ll look for one. I don’t know how much it’ll help but it’s worth a try I guess. Thank you.
I’m really glad to hear that, I really think it can help. In the meantime, if you ever need a sympathetic ear, to trauma dump or rant or anything, please feel free to reach out. I’m really sorry about the people invalidating you, that must be really horrible, but remember you are never alone, there are always people who care about you.
Regret might be rare, but rare doesn’t mean non-existant. You’re the second person on here that has mentioned it. It’s a small com, and I haven’t been a member for that long. In fact I’d say that bottom surgery regret is far more common than most other parts of transition.
There’s a toxic idea going round that bottom surgery is just a part of transition. The medical system where I live won’t consider me “trans enough” to get any type of treatment including hormones because I have expressed a desire to keep my equipment. And even within the larger trans community people are extremely vocal about wanting to get rid of their twig and berries, but you don’t hear much from people who want to keep them. It can be very one sided.
In terms of coping with the results of your surgery you have two options. To learn to live with it (therapy etc) or to seek out a phaloplasty. I don’t know much about it, but I’ve heard that it can be done. I know there was another girl here who was looking into the latter option (I think she was from Argentina). I’m not sure if she found anything but I’m sure the post is still up if you want to look it up.
It’s not the same as therapy, but if you need to vent I’m happy to listen. I recently had a circumcision for medical reasons and the urologist botched it. So the entire underside of my penis is covered in hairy scrotum and feels horrendous and makes my partner bleed when we have sex. While it isn’t the same as a vaginoplasty, I still mourne the loss of propper feeling and function.
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I didn’t see the original comment, and now I’m curious.
Wow, what a ridiculous take from the reddit. “Regret is rare so it doesn’t exist”. Honey, BEING TRANS is relatively rare in the general population and it’s real as hell.
I wish I had better advice, but try to remember no feeling is final and there is always a tomorrow. Though it may be a hell of a battle to stay sane while going through this I know you have the strength to keep fighting as you had the strength to make such huge changes to find yourself originally, even if you might have pushed too far in that direction with that choice. Lots of love girlfriend <3
Sorry to year your experience with your bottom surgery and attempts at getting support in the past have gone poorly. From what I’ve seen in the past, lemmy trans spaces tend to be better than that.
I don’t really have any advice unfortunately. It seems like its difficult to try to get a phalloplasty after having a vaginoplasty; even if you can find a surgeon who is willing to try, there’s higher risks from my understanding and you may have to do a lot of self-advocating to get the surgeon to be willing to try.
Not exactly what aspects you miss about it, but would a packer potentially help? Seems like it would be worth a try?
I hope you can find some peace regardless of what it takes.
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I’ve removed this comment because it was negative about phalloplasty in a way that isn’'t appropriate in a trans community. I’ll be happy to restore the post if you can reword your comment in a way that considers the impact your words may have on folk who want or need phalloplasty.
What made you choose to go through with it in the first place?
What makes you miss it now? What is it about then vs now that you miss?
I was told by people I know and in support groups that it was the next stage and that if I didn’t I wouldn’t ever feel like a real woman. I was told that I would be seen as a man by others and that I could be assaulted by people I meet and hook up with. I don’t really know, I guess I believed the shit people told me and thought it was the right thing to do. It was not.
I miss peeing while standing up. I miss… (People will think I’m a troll for this)
NSFW
I miss jacking myself to porn. Touching myself in general down there. Feeling myself down there, jiggling my balls. Things I took for granted back then. I also hate dialating, I haven’t done it at all in the past 2 months. It just feels so gross to stick something inside me. I don’t even care if this rotten hole closes up. It’s not like they can fix it or put it back how it was.
I miss just having it in general. Seeing myself with a dick back then I never thought anything of it, but seeing myself with this disgusting hole in my crotch just makes me want to vomit, and always makes me cry. I look so disgusting, I know other people don’t think I would look disgusting if they saw me naked but I look disgusting to myself with a vagina. I hated it so much that I ended up breaking my bedroom mirror out of anger, sadness, and disgust. Tore a 2 inch gash in my hand doing that.
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Trans people do not, under any circumstances, gatekeep when you feel like a “real woman” because bottom surgery is something utterly inaccessible to most.
Sorry, but this is simply wrong. There is a whole section of the community that does exactly that. They are known as transmedicalists. They believe that you have to have dysphoria to be trans, and that you have to badly want GRS, and do everything you can to attain it.
For many many years, fitting this description was the only way to access medical care, as popularised by the Benjamin Standards of care. And whilst many countries have moved away from this, many have not. There are many trans communities and sub communities that absolutely judge trans people who don’t need or want GRS, because they’re perpetuating the transphobic gatekeeping that they’ve internalised in to their own self image.
Which is to say, a key part of your suspicion is based on your own lack of exposure to harmful parts of the community, and there is a non zero chance that you’re being needlessly cruel to someone expressing their pain and vulnerability.
Yes, it’s suspicious that someone with a brand new account appears out of nowhere, and expresses pain and distress at an experience that is uncommon in trans spaces, yet is also perceived as common by transphobes.
But unless you know for certain that you aren’t hurting a genuine member of the community with your words, I’m going to ask that you refrain from engaging further.
I made another comment after yours because it took a while to draft and so I posted it before I saw this. I’ve aired my concerns and accounted for transmedicalists in them, I am fine stepping away now.
This is a really, really bad take and it’s very cruel, I completely understand why you’d be suspicious, but I think even with those suspicions, you should be erring on the side of caution, on the chance you are wrong, you may have pushed a transgender person closer to suicide by invalidating their experiences.
There is a good deal of transmedicalism out there, and I don’t see many signs of OP being a troll at all, they seem like someone nearing the end of their rope to me.
I understand the concern. I came off harsher than I intended but I do feel fairly strongly that the poster is not who they claim to be and is not posting in good faith. The details, language, and content don’t line up with someone who was heavily influenced by transmedicalists either. There is the possibility of details and information that would change my mind but that’s where it stands right now. I would need to see the points I brought up addressed.
I don’t want to ostracize someone struggling from the community but I don’t want to simply ignore astroturfing / astroterfing either. People do try to poison the trans community or others perceptions of trans people sometimes, we are unfortunately a fairly controversial topic right now. I’ve seen too many instances of transphobes making their own social media posts posing as people who regret something in transition in order to then screenshot it and share it in their own circles, for example. In my best judgment, I think this post is far enough past suspicious that I’m willing to state my concerns matter-of-factly.
I encourage others to upvote or downvote me accordingly with whether they think my take is good, bad, the post is real, fake, etc. if people disagree with me and OP is indeed genuine, then at the very least a negative score would make it easier for them to ignore my take.
Screw you! if I wanted to have people dismiss my experiences and validity I would go back to the transphobes on Reddit!
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Being post-op doesn’t change shit for trans women when it comes to hook ups or even meeting people. Transphobes will do it regardless. Transphobes will see you as a man regardless. Everyone in the trans community is inescapably aware of this. People who are not transphobes will have no issue seeing you as a woman regardless of your equipment.
I’ve seen comments/posts from stealth trans people talking about keeping it a secret. There was a post recently on one of the comms where they mentioned their hookup partner said her cervix felt weird (because she doesn’t have one). I’ve certainly gotten the idea that such is achievable for some people. My impression is also that snip-snip memes are also far more common than memes celebrating the rejection of bottom surgery. There certainly can be an implied peer pressure, even when people are just talking about their own personal experiences and not implying some universal truth. Unfortunately, imposter syndrome is really common and could lead to overcompensation (such as seen in transfems who have a hyperfeminine phrase right after cracking and transfems who go through a hypermasculine phase right before cracking).
I’ve never tried taking any of the steps towards getting surgery, but is it really that impossible that Martha didn’t at least mostly believe she wanted it during the lead-up? Honestly, I hope they’re not as bad as you make it sound. Surgery is scary regardless of what kind, so there’s no way I’d ever not express some level of doubt for that reason alone. Also feel like I’d be so embarrassed about the topic that it would be difficult to convey a sense of confidence that its something I wanted.
NSFW?
Lastly, the idea that you can no longer touch yourself after bottom surgery, jack off to porn, or feel yourself is absurd.
Jackoff is generally specifically used for something you do with a penis. Jilling would be the equivalent for a vagina. Also, if you don’t have your penis or balls, you can’t touch them. I think you’re misunderstanding what was said there. The idea that they’re equivalent seems absurd; part of the reason I’d want bottom surgery is because I want to change how I interact with the hardware sexually instead instead of trying to split the fantasy apart from the physical actions. That said, perhaps having fantasies that don’t match the hardware is something Martha could work on?
@LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone @ada@lemmy.blahaj.zone Why remove my comment?
They didn’t, our auto-mod did. We have an automod that detects profanity.
I have disabled it for you now.
Oh, @ada@lemmy.blahaj.zone @LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone I’m sorry My bad. I’ve been very volatile lately. I’m hurting very badly lately.
That’s entirely understandable. It’s a small aspect of what you’re going through, but people with vaginas can pee standing up (and you’ve already learned how to control your stream and aim, so you’re ahead of the others).
Tap for spoiler
If you make an upside down peace/victory sign with your hand and place your first and middle fingers on each side of your labia majora, you can pull everything forward a little and control your aim from there.
yep, you can even pee in bottles - it takes a bit more skill, but it’s possible
Modlog says it was automodded: https://programming.dev/modlog/17067
There are risks with everything. I’m sorry you are suffering. There is so much to unpack about something like this, and people are probably afraid to say the wrong thing since everyone has such strong loaded opinions about this shit.
You can still find happiness in life. It’s a big change, but it can still be okay. I truly appreciate this post and I hope dearly that you choose to stick around.
