Trans woman - 9 years HRT

Intersectional feminist

Queer anarchist

  • 13 Posts
  • 117 Comments
Joined 1 year ago
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Cake day: June 9th, 2023

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  • I appreciate you providing the content warning. It’s alright to have those understandable fears. I agreed for a very long time, and I used to present androgynous and not correct people who misgendered me because I thought I would only ever be happy with myself and be accepted by others if I appeared cis in every conceivable way.

    The thing is, thinking that way actually impedes your ability to pass. Passing is not a product of any individual thing but many things, and how people perceive and respond to you depends on lots of factors many of them do not do with physiological gender signifiers. I spent years denying myself everything I ever wanted. I wore loose baggy clothes, I didn’t try with my skincare or haircare, I would obsess about the way people perceived me and tear myself apart in the mirror over every little detail. I was making myself miserable, and holding myself back and being so obviously insecure about these things actually made me less likely to pass. Fully embracing my style and showcasing my curves and my skin has made a massive difference in the likelihood of me passing. I rarely do not pass anymore.

    Hiding a part of yourself is never going to make you happy. If you want to be happy someday, and you should you deserve to live a happy life, then you have to stop setting limits past which you’re allowed to be happy. To be clear, I understand wanting to wait till you’ve been on hormones. I really do, I did wait myself. I also then waited 7 years before i allowed myself to wear dresses in public. And embrace my own femininity I’m visible ways, wore clothes that accentuated my body instead of hiding it. All things I’d wanted to do for years but I didn’t, because I didn’t think I would pass and therefore wouldn’t allow myself.

    It’s okay if you can’t today, or if you still want to wait. This was just my experience and I thought it worthwhile to share. Far fewer people are scrutinizing us that closely than it feels like. You’re beautiful and it’s important that you believe that too. I know it sounds stupid or corny or whatever. But next time you look at yourself in the mirror and that voice pops up pointing out all those little dysphoria inducing details, try and notice a few things you like about how you look. Write them down. Try and look for them again when you’re feeling dysphoric. Good body image is a process.


  • I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with gatekeeping and transphobia from your friend and your parents. 😔 I’m glad that you recognize that your friend is being bigoted towards you. Dysphoria is not what makes someone transgender! Being transgender is “not identifying with (or not entirely identifying with) your assigned gender” and can mean literally anything beyond that. She has absolutely no right to say that to you. You deserve to be supported, not put down by someone who’s supposed to be there for you!

    Whether someone else genders you correctly doesn’t make you a woman, you are one no matter how other people refer to you. I know you said that you struggle to stand up for yourself, but you don’t have to let someone try and take that from you. You deserve to be surrounded by people who love and support you! You deserve kindness, compassion, and respect. I know that it might not be possible for you to demand those things for yourself, but make sure you remember that internally. If someone isn’t respecting you, you do not have to keep talking with them or engaging with them. It’s possible to be non-confrontational while making clear that you won’t engage with someone who doesn’t treat you with respect!

    I waited years to come out to certain people and much longer to be completely out publicly full time. You need some friends and supporters on your side. Many transfem people do not pass. If you’re active in trans groups you’ll definitely notice transfem people who don’t pass in them. You don’t owe it to anyone to look a certain way before you can be yourself. Your body belongs only to you, and the standards of society shouldn’t hold you back from being yourself. There’s lots of online trans groups, discords, matrix groups and what not where you can try coming out and socializing with other trans people. May be a good way to build up some courage to handle harder in person coming-outs.

    HRT is also not a requirement to be transgender and being on hormones does not make you any more or less trans than anyone else. You’re already trans today, and if you come out now, you being or not being on hormones won’t affect the response you should receive from friends and loved ones.

    Hope my rambles helped, and welcome to transfem!


  • So happy for you!! It’s amazing that your daughter is so enthusiastically supportive of your journey in self discovery :) that support is invaluable. It sounds like you have some great ideas on ways you can explore your gender and examine your gender feelings in an environment that feels safe with support from your family.

    Processing your gender as you explore it is hard, and I can understand how it can be hard for spouses as well. However, your wife should be patient and understanding with you, and when you tell her that this is a serious thing for you and you need her genuine support through this. It’s not fair to you to get the “Yeah right” treatment about this. It will take time for her to process, that’s fair. But she shouldn’t diminish your feelings through this. I hope she lends you full support in whatever you choose to do, even in the event of going to a con in full Gothic Lolita 😊 which btw sounds absolutely amazing haha. My exploration of gender was very quiet and at home and normative. I only started really expressing myself through fashion and presentation a lot this year.





  • Uhhh, not sure what you’re talking about with contouring makeup. It is literally ubiquitous in modern makeup? And your face isn’t 2 dimensional… it lightens and darkens parts of your skin to emphasize and diminish certain facial features.

    For many trans women emphasizing and diminishing certain facial features is hugely confidence boosting.

    Also, please don’t refer to plastic surgery as “doing a Michael Jackson”. Please respect people’s right to decide what they want to do with their bodies. Read through the sidebar if you haven’t already, this is a safe space for transfeminine people. Many of us opt for facial surgeries to undo effects of testosterone during puberty.





  • Love that advice! The first few times I went bra shopping, I had a friend tag along with me, and honestly, I still do sometimes. I can see how with swimsuits, sizing and aesthetics and styles could put a lot of critical emphasis on your body. I think bringing one of my friends along with me would help a lot. :)

    And I can totally see what you mean. It’s kinda nerve wracking considering wearing something where so much skin is visible for the first time. I’m trying to keep the confidence I feel in my everyday clothes going haha but that little voice in my head is worrying about my cellulite and my tummy 🙃 I was thinking high waisted would look very cute on me (I look amazing in high waisted shorts and skirts) and I was determined to wear a 2 piece so haha. Might consider adding a sheer beach cover-up? I’ve seen some pretty cute ones.

    Also, how do you manage your hair at the beach? I have very long hair and have been trying to think how best to manage it when swimming.






  • Not that I’ve ever heard of. The main things doctors generally monitor are blood estrogen and testosterone. High T levels can inhibit breast growth, and the same with low E levels.

    Worth speaking with a medical professional (if you have one) about how you feel about your results. Doses may need to be adjusted. You should be on some form of estrogen, and an anti-androgen depending on your E dose.



  • I’m not sure this process is very well understood. There’s many different factors that can change sensory experiences like orgasm. Estrogen, in my experience, caused arousal to build slower, and that kind of accompanied a decrease in libido. Progesterone helped a bit with that. I’m also post op though, and I would say surgery changed my experience of orgasm and sexuality a lot more than hormones did. I’d say before surgery it had noticeably changed over the years, but not as much as I thought it might.

    How hormone levels affect orgasm isn’t well understood. For me, it changed gradually but also accompanied a lot of other changes to my experience of sexuality and I’m not confident to what degree the change was physiological vs. psychological in nature.

    I think most people would say within the first 2 years you will experience some change in your experience of orgasm. But to what extent exactly is highly variable and subjective.