Someone at work that used to be my direct manager had a meeting with me to introduce themselves. They didn’t recognize me at all and I didn’t want to out myself by disclosing who I was, so I went along with it.
I don’t like lying, and when they asked about my work history I was honest even though it created immediate suspicion (how could we have not worked together given when I started working and my job experience?), and I just shrugged. It’s obviously a kind of deception to not out myself, and I don’t like that - but my instincts say it’s better in this context to not out myself.
Probably relevant to the context is that the boss is male, older, conservative, and an immigrant from a non-Western culture that is not open minded about these things.
I am pretty sure based on things they have said in the past that they wouldn’t be tolerant of a trans person.
Anyway, to my trans elders: how have you handled situations like this?
I think the smile and shrug strategy is the best option here! Just think of it as affirming, since he doesn’t recognize you at all.
ha, thanks - good to know you think it’s OK 😅
I guess I’m worried if he finds out later from someone else at work (I worked here pre-transition and most people where I work remember me from before I transitioned). Besides fear of his anti-trans bias, I don’t want him to feel like I lied to him (but maybe I just can’t help that).
My guess is he would feel like you lied regardless of if you told him upfront or he found out later. It’s just not worth outing yourself.
I’ve never had to deal with this, but my take is that you shouldn’t feel bad for not offering up information, especially in a context where you don’t necessarily feel safe to do so.
I wouldn’t really consider this to be lying, either. Your bosses or coworkers don’t have a right to know you’re trans. Like, I don’t share my spiritual beliefs with anyone at work, for example. That doesn’t make me a liar. You’re entitled to your privacy, even more so when revealing something could be harmful for you.
Best of luck navigating this, it sounds like a rather tricky situation to be in.
thank you, that’s helpful ❤️
Even if they don’t have a right to know I’m trans (completely get that, it’s my private medical situation), there is a sense that I’m intentionally withholding truth relevant to the context, e.g. by going along and pretending I didn’t know him, I’m at least being some kind of dishonest - I used to work for this person and I know them well, they should remember me.
And while it’s risky and harmful to out myself in this situation, it’s also risky to not be honest, since there’s a good chance he could learn who I was before from just talking to people, since everyone here knew me pre-transition and anyone could tell him (and there are plenty of anti-trans people who know me who would be willing to do so, or even do so accidentally).
The first time it happened to me, was 5 or 6 years ago now, before the climate turned as hostile as it is now. I work for a large organisation, and the people I work with all know I’m trans because I’m open about it, but there are many folk who I don’t work directly with, who didn’t know about my transition, because despite being open about being trans, we simply don’t encounter each other often.
In any case, I just made it clear that I remembered him, and mentioned the project we had worked together on a few years before the encounter. Told him that I was still working in the same area with the same folks. I could see him trying to work out who I was. I didn’t lie, but I didn’t out myself. I just let him struggle to remember me.
I have no idea if he ever did work it out, because I haven’t encountered him again since.
People who in theory know me quite well have failed to recognize me (at first, at least), and I’ll go along with re-meeting them. I think that’s fine: I’m a totally different person now from who I was in the past, notwithstanding that we have a shared history. I don’t think you owe it to anyone to “come clean” about having met them before: there’s nothing wrong with starting fresh, and if challenged later on you can say exactly the same thing: you’re a different person now.
Personally what I heard people do, is:
to people you know would be def allies, disclose if you want; and to those that one is unsure about, try to run with it. Those I think would not be, you might as well not disclose. But always, this goes: never feel bad for not disclosing. Your safety goes above everything.
For like online dating, I heard people say they disclose before starting something. If they then say, “even better” in a creepy tone (chaser), or something like “ew, disgusting/oh so you’re a (wrong gender) in (right gender)'s clothes” (transphobe), that’s a sign to avoid them.
