Table of Contents

1. Anecdote:
2. How I was before my egg cracking:
   1. Personality
   2. My outward presentation
   3. How I interacted with other people
      1. What changed about myself
      2. Understanding why I was the way I was
      3. Getting adopted into womanhood
      4. Self esteem

The last year was wild

So exactly one year ago (27.3.2025) I finally had my egg cracking. In this post I somewhat want to write a little bit of my experience so far and what changed (spoiler: a lot).

I even made my first post on this community the same day. Did that one with a burner account, because I was to scared someone I knew (I do quite a lot of people on lemmy in real life) could see it. Whick is kind of dumb because they alll know and respect trans people and are all in all wonderful people). Anyway, lets start:

Anecdote:

I will always refer to my old self beyond my egg cracking, but keep in mind that a lot of stuff still remained quite some time after my cracking and some still do, but I do change a lot constantly and will therefore not go to much about into what changed when and will just compare myself now with myself one year ago.
you might have realized, that I have some very pretty text formatting on this post. I thought I kind of want to try how to do some cool text formatting in emacs ogmode and then just exported it to Markdown

How I was before my egg cracking:

2.1

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Personality

When I finished school my year made a book containing all sort of funny stuff to remember. This book also contained polls about certain topics in our class, where we would rank our classmates based on these topics. It was stuff like “Who looks like a makeup commercial” or “who cries when scoring a B on a test”. I also was in the top 3 of some of these polls. To be exact it was “Who changed the least since 5th grade”, “who will still live with their parents at age 30” (which was mean, because at that point it was already clear, that I was moving away for university) and “Virgin for life” (also mean but somewhat true). Especially me being in “who changed the least” was very true. Since the 3th-4th grade I had the exact same clothing style, the exact same haircut, never was that socially active (thanks to mobbing and not having that much friends) and was therefore not present outside of school to most of my classmates. In exactly one year of knowing I am trans I changed multitudes of what I changed in the prior 10 years of my life. Another important thing is, that I was always was the kid that got bullied. This led to be me being even more of a quiet type than I already was and completely destroyed my self-esteem in the process. This got a lot better when moving away for university, which meant that I got to be able in different circles, that are much more progressive and where people do not judge. However my self esteem was still quite bad.

My outward presentation

Before my egg cracking I was pretty much a normal boy/man. I had the typical short haircut that needs zero effort, never really cared about what I wore (it was always jeans, T-shirt and a hoodie, sometimes shorts in Summer) and highly valued how practical something was over looks. I had a “style” that could be described to be as simple, boring and unnoticable as possible. I had about the same 10 hoodies for the last 3 years. They all had a similar style, they should not be to tight (when I got my first oversized hoodie I was in literal heaven) and I wore them in a “cycle” where I wore the hoodie layed on top of my stack of hoodies for the rest of the week. Sounds boring, was boring.

How I interacted with other people

Before I had my egg crack I was a very much outcast (as already said in the Personality Section). I did engage in social circles but that was mostly clubs where I came for the stuff we did there (e.g. playing trumpet) and not that much in the social aspects. I exclusively hang around men, but still was an outcast, since I did not really that much about the stuff other men cared about. So I mostly stood there and thought about stuff while mindlessly staring into the void.

What changed about myself

Understanding why I was the way I was

Since my egg cracking I started to see my whole previous life through a different lense and so much finally made sense. Those times I wore the clothes of my mother, that wasnt me being horny. Just me testing myself out (while writing this I just unlocked some core memories from years ago, that I completely forgot). Wishing me being a girl? Yeah, not very cis. But apart from this obvious things a lot of stuff now makes sense too. Why I never really vibed with the typical vibes of masculinity (or just to a certain extent) was because I never was a man at all. Me being afraid to change literally anything about myself (including my clothing)? Yeah, that was probably also related to me being trans. I probably feared, that when I start to care about myself and change things, that I might find out things that I do not like. So much just makes sense now. Coming out gave a full on existential crisis, but forced me to rethink who I really am and for the first time in my life, take care of myself.

Getting adopted into womanhood

Once people knew I was trans and I started to go out more and more as female I start to get along with other women better and better and I absolutely love it. Getting compliments on my Nail Polish or Outfit by other woman, was something I was not ready for. I feel less and less attached to masculinity and I honestly really like it.

Self esteem

Understanding myself added a whole lot of weight and insecurities (who am I, who do I want to be, I cant dress how I want,…), but working through these one at a time and starting to life my life more and more as a woman lifted so much of mental weight of myself. Getting confident in my identity and starting to go out in girl mode more often was the best thing that could happen to my self esteem. I dont care if some random stranger thinks I look weird. Getting adopted into womanhood did the same.