I wasn’t trying to use triggering language and I’m sorry if I triggered people talking about my own experiences. I’m not a transphobic person, at least not outwardly. I do struggle a lot with internalized transphobia and self-doubt. Especially in recent times. I still sometimes feel like I might be faking transness because of my regrets about GRS. I know I’m not, and I know that I was incredibly happy about every other aspect of my transition, but I still get these thoughts.

I never intended to hurt or invalidate anyone or support those narratives bigots use about trans regret. For the record I hate those assholes. When I came out about my regret on Reddit many of them commented misgendering me and trying to convince me that I’m a man because of my regret. I don’t support these awful narratives about trans people. I know that so many trans people do not regret bottom surgery, and I know cases like mine are rare. I know that this was my fuck up as much as I might blame the transmedicalists who said those evil things to me. I didn’t do research, I didn’t get second opinions. I trusted them and lied to my therapist to get something I never wanted in the first place. I fucked myself over. This is all on me.

I never intended to invalidate, trigger, or hurt anyone. I’m sorry if I did. I just want to be happy again, I just want to feel okay again, I don’t want to hate seeing myself naked and hate waking up. I’m sorry about pain or harm I caused.

  • dandelion (she/her)@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    11·
    3 days ago

    I trusted them and lied to my therapist to get something I never wanted in the first place.

    I thought it was the therapists who suggested you needed bottom surgery to be a woman? Who did you “trust”?

    I fucked myself over. This is all on me.

    It’s probably more complicated than that - even if you may have been negligent or didn’t do enough research, etc. - a lot of details have been left out of your narrative so far … we have no idea what you went through, what the process was like to get your surgery, what the informed consent was like, what the therapists said, etc.

    I will say that the medical care has lagged for non-binary care both in terms of HRT and surgeries. I don’t know what part of the world you are in, but in many places there are still out-dated views about trans people that assume all trans people must be binary - but the reality is that there are trans women who have aspects of their male anatomy that they enjoy or prefer to keep, and plenty of these people live and enjoy living as women in both social and biological ways.

    I just want to be happy again, I just want to feel okay again, I don’t want to hate seeing myself naked and hate waking up.

    I really think you should find a good therapist, as soon as possible. The level of distress you are experiencing warrants professional care and treatment.

    Until then, find healthy coping strategies to keep your mind off of this. At least in my experience, dysphoria can become obsessive, but some discipline about where you put your attention can pay-off by keeping your mind off a source of distress. Maybe take a break from these feelings and thoughts, or create boundaries and give yourself time to journal and then commit to putting away the disturbing thoughts (and reminding yourself of your intention to redirect when you notice the thoughts and feelings coming back).

    You’ve been post-op for over a year, so at this point I assume you have lived with the distress for a long time and probably have developed some ways to cope, so hopefully this isn’t an entirely new skill (and same in general for the fact that you had dysphoria pre-transition and probably had coping strategies then as well).

    Taking positive steps towards your well-being can also help strengthen your sense of autonomy and reduce despair and hopelessness.