i am two month in and i feel so good! (i remember, that i was publicly desperate a few weeks ago, yes.) let me explain.

food

there is one food item, i ate often during lunch break, that suddenly tastes bitter to me. it’s some kind of soy-yoghurt. i didn’t love it, it was just convinient, so it’s not a big loss.

i feel like i got a little more into food, especially sweets, but that might aswell be seasonal.

mood

i lived with constant, vague depression and anxiety since … early adolescence? i really noticed that, when i started anti-depressants a few years back. they took the pressure but also my drive. now after a bit more than two months on E, i still get occasional spikes in anxiety, or deep sadness. but i can feel it properly and let it go after a while. i even notice where it’s coming from sometimes.

before, some weird thing in the morning could ruin a whole day or multiple. i would have shut in asap and sleept until it’d be gone. the fact that i can now be sad, cry for an hour and share a nice evening with friends after that is pure gold! the permanent anxiety is gone, but i am still actively living my live.

sexuality

don’t hate it, but i am severely uninterested since a few weeks on E. it’s actually quite nice. had a dream of a person i like, in which they kissed me on the cheek 🤭. even my wildest dreams are now “having a cozy day with friends”. that’s nice.

body

of course not much has happened yet, but there are a few things. since i started the sport i do (10yrs?) i felt better connected to my body (in terms of movement, balance, and control). i therefore can’t say much about feeling more inside my body through hrt, but i got more sensitive to or more aware of touch. that resembles the feeling of when i was on antidepressants. my bed was softer, the cotton sheets more interesting and scratches more ouchy. this goes both ways. but i love how comfy i can get again.

also body hair grows slower and a bit thinner. whee i smell nicer, my skin i softer. my face has become ever so slightly more feminine

other people

i’m not out at work yet, and even outside that, i’m often not trying to present super fem. but the combination of the subtle changes (mostly facial skin?), my new attitude, that’s not as disconnected anymore, and the new bodily expression i increasingly allow myself after hatching seemingly work: cis people who don’t know me are more frequently a bit confused at first when they expected a mr. something. my roommate asked me some weeks ago if i wore make-up, when i didn’t, just been pwetty. and other queer folks who i wasn’t out to suddenly asked me, if my name was still up to date.

it’s doing the trick. it’s getting harder to perceive me as a man. :)

the scary

i lived under the expectation (delusion?) that boobs would take a while to start. i had permanent pain in my breasts after 3 weeks. by now i can even feel a little lump of new tissue that might soon become visible through a t-shirt.

is that fast? i feel it’s faster than i hoped for. not because i don’t want breast growth, but because i can’t imagine how it will look like. and i feel like that’s fast. where shall this end?! also, i need to research bras sooner!

---

all in all it seems like every cell in my body was prepared for estrogen, sad about not getting it and finally having a big party. around 2021 i described my situation to a therapist. i said i felt like i was being addicted, but didn’t know to what. i was restlessly searching for stimulation, happiness and rest, but nothing worked. after my egg cracked, this hole in my existence started to fill, E ist filling in the cracks as it seems.

this was the right decision. besides hrt i made progress in my search for the right name. things are moving. i hope someone will find this little report helpful or at least interesting.

voice might be the next step to take? that’s weird to me. this feels like putting in efford to play a role. when up until now it was just stopping the act and letting the fruitiness flow. but often enough, i want to play the part and not blow it with my first line. what are your feelings towards voice training?

yours kluczyczka