Trans woman here, been on HRT for a couple of weeks now. (No effects yet of course, I know that’s normal, that’s not what this post is about) Of course I am glad to have that opportunity as a young adult but I keep having this uncomfortable thought that this is not going to be what I hope it to, the final puzzle piece for liking my own body and finally feeling good about myself. A bit of a background info: I look terrible. Not just in the regular mtf dysphoria i-don’t-look-female terrible, but also the just generally ugly human being way. I die inside a little everytime I look into the mirror and avoid cameras like the plague. Everything from terrible skin quality to weird looking chin and cheeks, wide shoulders while looking like a stick that’s barely over the healthy weight minimum. And it’s not like I don’t do anything for my physical health, quite the contrary: I do daily workouts, get enough sleep, eat healthy and sleep enough, don’t drink, smoke or consume anything with much sugar or fat and I spend a lot of time outside. Additionally I have a hygiene and skincare routine that’s probably more intense than the ones that some beauty influencers promote. All of that amounts to me barely avoiding looking like one of those zombies from Left for Dead. And then I look at people around me living the most unhealthy of lifestyles while looking 10 times as good as me, that’s goddamn frustrating, let me tell you. Sometimes I visit those trans timeline subreddits and I don’t even have to look at the post-transition images to feel like shit. Literally everyone of these people already looked pretty decent at least even before they transitioned, which doesn’t give me any idea if I can even remotely achieve what they have.
And that’s just the physical part of things. Saying that I’m dead inside doesn’t seem fitting, it sounds too negatively connotated. I just got nothing inside, it feels like. I just do stuff in autopilot, not feeling anything about it in any way. In retrospect I don’t know when the last time was that I sincerely laughed about something or was really sad or angry about stuff, it seems like I just go auto-pretend in order to act appropriately or look interesting to others. And once again, I checked what might be the issue there and found nothing I could do to improve the situation. I ain’t depressed or anything and there weren’t any traumatising experiences in my life. So you know, I figure it’s just one of these dysphoria things.
Where did/does that leave me? I arrived at the conclusion a while ago that I did everything I could to feel/look better and the only thing left to do was get on HRT to deal with the gender dysphoria that causes this. And that’s where the doubts come in. HRT in theory is nice and all, it slowly helps shape your body in a better form, improves quality of your skin, makes you more emotional and whatever every second trans hangout seems to have written on their digital pamphlets. The only issue is the metaphorical fine print. Changes vary in their presence and intensity. So yeah, I see those incredible transitions on the mentioned subreddits, I read about people finally enjoying their mental state (shoutout to cows_are_underrated, I hope your transition goes well), and all this other hrt positivity. I’m not a determinist or anything, but I just don’t see all of these things happening to me. I don’t know, maybe I won’t sweat all the time anymore, maybe I’ll grow some small tits or perhaps I’ll feel emotions besides frustration for the first time in ages.
That’s all good and well and I’d rather have it than not, but that brings me back to the title of my post. I don’t think HRT is gonna fix me, and if it doesn’t, I’m simply fucked. This is my last chance it seems, I’ve tried all other options that are usually recommended for looking and feeling better and that thought is honestly scaring me (make that a plus one for emotions felt). So yeah, sorry about that bigass rant, it ended up being longer than expected. This obviously isn’t supposed to be some fishing for compliments bullshit, you don’t know me and never will, I just had to get this out of my system. Anyway, if you actually read through all this, thanks for paying attention to my yapping I suppose, and have a great day.
Yeah, HRT won’t fix you. That’s true. It’s not magic even though people keep saying that. I feel like for me what HRT did was give me something to fight and hope for. It gave me something on the horizon to work toward. Your mindset sounds an awful lot like mine before transition. I also went on HRT as a kind of last resort thing and slowly but surely, optimism came into my life. I realized I could customize my body. I could put in work to make my life better, to like myself for the first time ever.
Changes came, but HRT wasn’t the majority of it. The biggest changes were those I made motivated by the hope of being a girl some day. I didn’t believe it back then, but it came true anyway. I’m not even two years in and yet I’m still further along than I ever thought I could get.
And I feel your physical struggles, I truly do. I felt so ugly before transition, went to the gym, still looked like a stick. Couldn’t gain weight for the life of me (I still can’t, which still frustrates me). I thought I’d never pass, that no one would ever honestly think I’m beautiful. And you know what? I was fucking wrong. It took me a long time to realize and I really fought it because I couldn’t believe it when people told me I looked good a few months in. And even now, when people compliment my looks I often think they do it out of pity. But they don’t. I turned out pretty. I’m actually hot, which is still unbelievable to me. But turns out self love, confidence and good fashion sense go a long way. And a nose job lol. (I always wanted one and HRT gave me the guts to just do it!)
So keep fighting, babe. Keep going. It’s going to get better, I swear. Give hormones a year or two. Try to make the best of this life, you’ve only got the one.
I agree with Thereaa. One of the hardest transition is the mental state. That one is hard. There will always be a difference as what you want to look and what you will look.
But you know what. Some people don’t even have that image the one you want to look, the one you want to be. They see you right now and they might think. Wow!
I only started. As well I’m hopeful. It’s going to be a hardeous journey, but I know in the end it will matter.
I started to get in shape with this hope. (I’m obese always had image problem…)
Even if I were to fail or feel like I will… Well I will have achieved something. Nobody’s perfect but someone might find your imperfection as perfect for them.
My fashion sense is terrible. I might just want to express my look as goth later like something I repress during my teenage years. I look more like a bear : I am still bulky… and might not look like “girl” in societal sense. I had built that image repressing myself and my want. Never learned in my family.
I don’t know you or your situation. But I strongly believe it’s always good to keep fighting and hang on. 23 days since I started hrt. Deconstructing gender norms is hard no matter what. Probably at some point will do FFS. But right now. Still in my CO phase as well as HRT journey.
I ended up writing more about me than trying to give advice but I hope I can inspire you a little bit and give you hope since it is a battle of the self.
It’s comforting to see that I am not alone with these struggles and even more so to see that people like you keep their hopes up and strive towards improvements regardless. Imperfections are a normal thing, I understand that. I just wish I had a lot less of them. Nevertheless, I suppose working on yourself and your self image reduces their amount and impact on your life and that’s worth fighting for, even if it’s just a tiny improvement. Thank you for your insight on this.
I suppose when you put it into perspective like this, HRT really isn’t just the amount of its physical consequences. Being able to draw actual active motivation from it sounds like a powerful thing. It’s not that I am demotivated, I’d actually consider myself an optimist, but more out of a “might as well” attitude and not out actual positive feelings towards possible future developments. I’ve gotta say, someday thinking of myself as pretty or even attractive, or god forbid someone else telling me so, is but a crazy pipedram to me. I don’t think I’ve in my entire life ever gotten a sincere compliment about my looks from anyone, so that idea seems rather unreal. Given how you described your experience though, that means it might actually be a possibility, and there’s something very reassuring about that. Thank you for sharing your experiences, maybe there really is something on the horizon that’s worth fighting for.