This was something I experienced as well, the dysphoria shifting as soon as the most pressing stuff was out of the way. Before HRT, all I could think about was going on HRT and experiencing the body changes. Then, I started to mourn first puberty just like you’re doing right now. I got over that and then bottom dysphoria got so much worse. Priorities change, I guess. But the good thing is that they keep changing and whatever’s #1 on your mind right now might not be a concern at all in a year (or less).

Ohh wat leuk haha! I celebrated a lot! Getting surgery was life-saving for me and my bottom dysphoria got so bad over the last year I’m so so glad I had the privilege to have surgery. As for options I didn’t really have any because I went to one of the very few (maybe the only one? I’m not sure) clinics that had less than a 2-3 year wait and they only offered standard penile inversion with some special enhancement only they do. To be completely honest with you I didn’t care much about the method or the details of getting one exact type of surgery. For me, just getting rid of my penis was the most important thing above all, by all means possible. I don’t know if I would’ve been able to wait years for a clinic that offers any other method so it wasn’t really a choice. But I think in Germany most of them do the same stuff anyway so it doesn’t matter that much. I’m very happy with what I got.

Oddly enough I obsessed A LOT over HRT and still do, the different methods and how it works etc. But with bottom surgery I didn’t research it that much, I just NEEDED to get it done so desperately, having a penis was literal torture for me and it got worse every day. Of course I looked at it enough to not get screwed over by doctors but it wasn’t nearly the amount of research & deep-diving I did with most other aspects of transition.

It depends a lot on where you get it done. They have different procedures and care routines in the US/Asia/Europe. I’m in Germany and I was in hospital for two weeks, then at home for another two recovering 90% of the time and from then on I slowly started to go back to normal life. I’m now almost 8 weeks post-op and I’m back to work since week 6 and doing everything like I did before surgery. Working out is still a no-no theoretically but I don’t work out anyway lol.

They gave me pretty heavy painkillers in the hospital but ever since coming back home I’ve not taken any and haven’t felt any pain in the area.

Lots of things have given me this, most recently it’s been just putting leggings on, everything being smooth, not having to worry about my now nonexistent penis showing. It’s pure bliss.

Going thrifting with female friends really helped me develop taste and find good stuff.

I think I changed my presentation enough for people to adapt well enough. Everyone in my life except for my family is very supportive and leftist though, so I think I had it pretty easy. My dad took some time to adapt but now (2 years after coming out to him) he’s doing pretty well. My mom still misgenders me every time we see each other but I don’t think it would be any different with a different name. I would wager she’d not even use it most of the time tbh.

I had some anxiety about strangers not knowing how to gender me when I introduce myself with my nickname. And that actually did happen a bit but I think by now I’m far enough along with the physical changes that I’m read female pretty consistently by new people. In that transition period I just told the friends I was with to aggressively she/her me so others get the message lol. And when I sign up for anything official it’s obvious because my full name is 100% fem. Also, I think it’s pretty cool to have a gender neutral name because I’m not 100% woman either, I think.

I just went to the female version of my name. My nickname everyone uses stayed the same as it’s gender neutral. (I’m not really called Theresa, I just use that online because I like it and did consider it once. But I think it doesn’t work well with my last name)

I understand that sense of urgency, I feel it as well. And it did help me speed up my own transition a bit. But I think when I started to feel the urgency, I had already figured myself out a bit more than you have right now. You’ve said in another comment that it’s 14 months now that you’re sure you’re trans. I had a non-binary phase for more than two years before deciding to transition medically and call myself a woman (-ish), so there definitely was a time where I wasn’t ready to take action. What changed everything for me was meeting and befriending a transfem IRL, that made everything seem so much more realistic and achievable all of a sudden. Up until that point, transition was something that “only internet people” could do for me. When I met that friend, I was suddenly able to take the first steps toward HRT and was on it just a few months later. Ever since then, my conviction that transition is the right choice for me has only strenghtened which in turn has helped me toward my decision for a name change and surgery.

Hope my perspective helps and I would add that u/shirow is right. Do what you feel like doing and don’t ever do anything because other people tell you to. You and only you know what’s right for your body and identity. No one else can decide or judge about that. Also: something that has helped me accept being trans was the realisation that being a woman is just easier for me than being a man. So based on that I’m probably a woman (-ish, again).

I also didn’t feel any bottom dysphoria before I started medical transition, mostly indifference. Once the more pressing issues (like being perceived as a man socially) were resolved, bottom dysphoria started getting worse and worse until it was the only thing I could think about. I feel like my dysphoria in other areas didn’t resolve but rather shifted toward bottom dysphoria. So there’s definitely a component of “understanding” dysphoria before you can feel it, I guess?

welcome <3

Trying to find community is not selfish!! Never is! Do it and don’t look back.

And yeah, in my experience dysphoria does get worse. It took me so long to start medical transition because I had to reach a breaking point where it was transition or die for me. I was super scared my family would cut contact and that I’d never pass etc., the usual stuff. Turns out neither of those happened and the only regret I have is not starting sooner. For me, knowing another transfem IRL was what made transition feel achievable. Before, it was something only Internet people could do.

Yeah, HRT won’t fix you. That’s true. It’s not magic even though people keep saying that. I feel like for me what HRT did was give me something to fight and hope for. It gave me something on the horizon to work toward. Your mindset sounds an awful lot like mine before transition. I also went on HRT as a kind of last resort thing and slowly but surely, optimism came into my life. I realized I could customize my body. I could put in work to make my life better, to like myself for the first time ever.

Changes came, but HRT wasn’t the majority of it. The biggest changes were those I made motivated by the hope of being a girl some day. I didn’t believe it back then, but it came true anyway. I’m not even two years in and yet I’m still further along than I ever thought I could get.

And I feel your physical struggles, I truly do. I felt so ugly before transition, went to the gym, still looked like a stick. Couldn’t gain weight for the life of me (I still can’t, which still frustrates me). I thought I’d never pass, that no one would ever honestly think I’m beautiful. And you know what? I was fucking wrong. It took me a long time to realize and I really fought it because I couldn’t believe it when people told me I looked good a few months in. And even now, when people compliment my looks I often think they do it out of pity. But they don’t. I turned out pretty. I’m actually hot, which is still unbelievable to me. But turns out self love, confidence and good fashion sense go a long way. And a nose job lol. (I always wanted one and HRT gave me the guts to just do it!)

So keep fighting, babe. Keep going. It’s going to get better, I swear. Give hormones a year or two. Try to make the best of this life, you’ve only got the one.

Just do what feels good for you. It took me about two years from realizing I wasn’t a man to daring to start HRT and medically transition. IRL trans friends help a lot, they let you see that it’s actually possible. Make sure you don’t hesitate or suppress that part of yourself just based on what you think others will say or think. That doesn’t work long-term.

Sounds wonderful! I found that after I started HRT (which you may or may not want to, no pressure), I “felt” movies a lot more. I started crying at the sad parts, laughing at the good parts and understood, for the first time, why people like a movie based on feeling and not just the filmmaking. Generally, highs have become way higher, lows have become lower. A much preferred state to the indifference that dominated my emotional world for the first 20 or so years of my life.

A bit late to the party but I wanted to add my experience to the pool: I also felt pretty tired at the start of HRT. For me, it started after 2-3 months and stopped at the 6 month mark, I think. During that period, I regularly had problems staying awake during afternoon lectures in uni, something I never had problems with before. I considered that my T was too low during that time but as the fatigue went away after a bit, I never changed anything about my medication. I think overall my energy levels now still might be a bit lower than before medical transition but I blame that on puberty and minority stress. And it’s not too much, maybe 10%.

More coffee helped. :)

I always do it underwater in the bathtub. Way better. And as the others have said: The first time is the worst, I did it biting a towel because it hurt so much. I don’t do it as much now as I used to because HRT has significantly slowed hair growth on my legs.

HEY HEY HEY! It’s a hideous woman-forehead if anything!

needs more bangs

You’re welcome! Also, something I forgot: Take care of your hair. Long, well cared-for hair helps you appear more feminine. Get a professional cut and ask the person cutting your hair for advice on hair care and which cut they think is best for you. A wolf cut is often a good start. Bangs are almost always a good idea! If you have rather dry hair / scalp you can probably ditch shampoo entirely and just co-wash. Embrace curls / waves if you have them. Get your eyebrows done professionally and then pluck them yourself, maintaining the shape.

Here’s my two cents, approaching 20 months on HRT. All based on personal experience, I’m not a professional. If you disagree with some of this stuff, that’s fine, we’re not all the same.

• I’d say you can just go look for a basic women’s workout routine. Most women who work out focus on their glutes, legs and abs/core. If you don’t want to go to a gym, find Pamela Reif’s weekly workout plan on Instagram/her app and just stick to that (what I did).
• Nutrition is just as, if not more important than the workout. Eat healthy, protein-heavy and most of all: enough or more! If you starve yourself, you won’t gain. I personally eat a good 30% more than before HRT and still don’t gain weight. A burger / something unhealthy more is better than eating too little for the sake of eating “clean”. Just follow fitness nutrition advice here, there’s no special “transition diet”.
• Breast development is 100% genetics, so whatever growth you experience is just normal/correct. There’s no good or bad. Remember that cis puberty takes 5+ years and many trans women experience breast growth past year 1 or 2. When you’re a year or so in, you can look into progesterone.
• I personally ditched jeans completely a few years ago and haven’t looked back. But that isn’t a must. Make sure high-wasted things really are high-waisted, not mid-waist and just higher up than you’re used to. Real high-waist is belly button level or above. Look for ribcage jeans. Mid-waist tends to look weird on bodies that aren’t very very hourglass-curvy. The waist of a dress is often at the bottom end of your ribs. This is normal and what looks good on most people. The best fashion tip is to wear what women around you wear. Look at women your age in your area/workplace/school and just copy them. Or, even better: go shopping with female friends whose fashion style you like. Don’t order online. I know stores that just cater to women are a bit awkward if you don’t pass, but trying stuff on and feeling it etc. is so much better than shopping online. And if you’re scared: take a friend! This varies, of course, depending on where you live. I live in a left-leaning city and have never had any problems shopping in person when I didn’t pass.
• Experiment with different fabrics. I’ve grown to love velvet-y and silky things!
• Women also tend to wear more accessories than men. Rings, necklaces, chains, charms etc. Collect things you like and get used to wearing them. Rings feel weird at first if you’re not used to them, that’s normal.
• Experiment with your silhouette. Find out if you’re a big top-small bottom or a small top-big bottom kinda girl. Go big-big or small-small. Find out what you like. Use your waist and accentuate with belts. Go second-hand shopping and buy the weird clothes that spark joy. I started dressing fem 2-3 years before I started transition (so now about 4-5 years ago) and have only just found my style. Remember: cis women do this in their teenage years and are a bit ahead of you here! Don’t worry! If you’re unsure, ask a friend whose fashion you like if an outfit looks good. If you don’t have a friend like that, ask young women in second-hand shops. They’re nice, I promise.
• On behaviour: Women tend to take up less space in public (the way they sit and move). Female friendships are very different from male friendships, much more intimate and unhinged. You can tell a good female friend everything. You’re allowed and encouraged to be open with your emotions, this is nice. Confidence is key. If your behaviour is confident, people will accept you more than if you’re hesitant. Confidence is often the difference between “weird” and “mysterious/interesting”
• Bonus thought: What helped me a lot was making my apartment more “fem” and cosier. Candles, plants, plushies, softer colours. This makes me feel better and more in line with myself when I’m home.