I’ve been on HRT for about 6 weeks now and I’m pretty sure I’m at female levels. Got a late start at 29 and I still strongly doubt that I’m even trans and should be doing this (seriously, my story is a weird one I think). I would quite welcome being cis because that would mean I don’t have to upend my life and essentially start over under 10x more difficult conditions. I considered myself agender for a long time and maybe I am.
Before HRT I considered myself very much vers. I do understand that severe bottom dysphoria is not needed to be trans, and I intended to do maintenance to retain my ability to top. Now that I’m actually into it, my feelings have changed.
I’ve read that a full erection once a day is needed to reliably retain full function, but that sounds quite unpleasant to me now? I just don’t want to do it, and I don’t really care if I never use my genitals to top again. I’m also finding myself more welcoming to the idea of SRS.
- Is it due to the nature of HRT and changing sex drive? I mean, duh, estrogen
- Is it due to repression breaking? Was I masking dysphoria before?
- Is it because I have read and internalized that this is how I should feel, in some people’s opinion, and I am conforming to that?
I don’t think it’s really the last one - I also understand I have more sexual/dating prospects if I’m vers, and I think I kinda care about that more than some fringe viewpoints about validity
Hi I am on 4 Months of HRT and have had a lot of similar feelings. I feel like for me the first and second point of yours, at least for me, are inherently linked.
When I still had Testosterone in my system and my sex drive activated my physical body got actual satisfaction of topping people which was why I didn’t really mind it. I didn’t especially like it but when my partner wanted it or I was very horny it was still a way to recieve some pleasure I guess.
When I started HRT suddenly this biological satisfaction was mostly gone and I found myself not enjoying topping anymore. I spoke to a friend about it and they mentioned dissociation, which when I started talking about how I used to experience sex when topping with T in my system, it more and more started sounding like dissociation. At one point I realized that when I was topping I was giving away conscious control of my body cause I felt uncomfortable with it, my actual feelings were disconnected from what my body felt. My body got “some” amount of pleasure and I could give my partner pleasure so I used to cope with it thinking it wasn’t all bad but reflecting it was never good for me.
As for surgery even if the first two points are true it does not mean that you have to get bottom surgery. Your life is not all about sex and sex isn’t all about penetrating or getting penetrated, try out some stuff , experiment learn how you can feel your body and how you feel in your body.
Whichever path you choose I hope you will feel better with your body