Hi, I’m not completely not ok, but my headspace is a mess, so I’d like to ask for media recommendations and tips for the panic I’m going through.

I’ve kinda known I am trans for years, but only in a dissociated, intellectualized sense, while living as a man. And recently I’ve gotten a tiny extra amount of monetary safety, enough to make me emotionally relax, and the realization of my transness hit me.

I was unable to imagine my self 5 years down there line. I drew a complete blank. My imagination suffocating between dysphoria and denial.

I’ve been seeing myself only as a girl in dreams for a week, and it has felt wonderful, and when I’m awake I’m paralyzed in dread of the amount of work in front of me, my deeply internalized misogyny about my appearence, my bigoted (though “safe enough”) surrounding people…

Question, what have you watched that brought you trans joy? Encouragement to go on towards something worth it.

And, in more mentally panicky matters, what do I do about an incredible amount and thickness of body hair? I know that the very dark coloration of it makes laser an option, I’ve heard electrolysis is underrated, but those seem like absolutely enormous steps right now. What can be easy, early, discreet steps I can take for some euphoria?

  • dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    10·
    2 hours ago

    3. dysphoria tips continued

    Less conventional tips:

    • blur your eyes a little or take off glasses if you have them when around the mirror, I find my brain-worms see a boy in the mirror the most when I have all the fine details, when the image is a little blurry, my mind is more likely to fill in the blanks and see the “girl gestalt” everyone else sees
    • reduce exposure to mirrors, esp. in early transition when you look the least yourself (I promise it gets better the longer you’re on HRT); sometimes this just means don’t obsess, but sometimes this means taking whole days off from seeing yourself.
    • spend time remembering your most euphoric and affirming moments, recall how you felt and stay with those feelings, close your eyes and replay those memories in your mind, affirm that you wish for yourself to feel this way in the future, explore what would make you feel good in the future, imagine and visualize a happy future for yourself - spend maybe 10 - 20 minutes doing this once a day. You might add affirming messages, whatever works for you.

    See also:

    OK, resources out of the way, I just want to say that you really should seek therapy - it’s extremely normal and common to experience fear and panic at realizing you are trans, there are probably survival mechanisms in place that are trying to keep you alive.

    I socially transitioned as soon as my egg-cracked, because I was so afraid of going back in the closet again for another decade or two. What I learned is that contrary to what I thought, most people mostly were indifferent when I was visibly trans - some people were even overtly kind to me, most people ignored me, and a small minority of usually men would stare at me. But my panicky brain thought I was going to be bludgeoned to death as soon as I walked outside of my house in a dress.

    So, the way to help is exposure therapy - teach your body it’s safe by having positive experiences as a trans person in the world. That seems to about sum it up, you have to realize it’s safe to be yourself - and that’s going to be a long term project.

    I wish you luck, and let me know if you have any questions!

    • Hugucinogens@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
      5·
      1 hour ago

      First of all, I love the Mama Bear energy of you writing this incredible two-max-comment size Guide On Dysphoria 101 in response to a panicky post.

      Thank you, it really makes me feel cared about.

      I have been with a therapist for a long amount of time, and she’s great, and I’ll probably be telling her about my latest egg-cracking, so that will help, as well as the support from the few really good people around me I can trust with this. Also the SSRIs I’ve been on for a year are probably playing their part.

      So, this is more of a poking-your-brain moment if you’d like to answer, but…

      My dysphoria isn’t really… Motivating me. It’s a cold slush. I see you wrote about how you socially transitioned as soon as you found out, “out of fear of going back in the closet for a decade”. For myself, right now, I think I see enormous value in starting HRT, because that might be one of the few ideas/things that make me feel motivated, while everything else is scary and makes me go limp. It’s probably the anxiety. But I think I have a particularly hard time surviving euphoria, not dysphoria lol.

      So I wanted to ask, how have you experienced the joy? What has felt good enough to you, to brave it all?

      • dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
        2·
        56 minutes ago

        aw, thank you - mama-bear energy is a huge compliment 😁

        You definitely deserve to be healthy and happy, and I actively wish that for you 🫶

        For myself, right now, I think I see enormous value in starting HRT, because that might be one of the few ideas/things that make me feel motivated

        it definitely helped with my motivation and overall happiness - not everyone reacts the same way to estrogen, and it’s not like it didn’t come with its own new challenges (receding dissociation and suddenly feeling things is not always the most adaptive when under immense stress, etc.)

        but I do think overall HRT is too important and potentially life-saving to not strongly suggest 👍

        It’s great that you feel motivated by it, that’s a great sign!

        while everything else is scary and makes me go limp. It’s probably the anxiety. But I think I have a particularly hard time surviving euphoria, not dysphoria lol.

        first, I just want to say this is all very normal - I also struggled with wanting to act on my “gender needs” and would shut down or de-prioritize it as unimportant, and I also felt / feel a lot of anxiety and fear about transition.

        For me personally, I didn’t choose to transition out of joy or the happiness it brought me (though it did result in those things), instead what motivated me was hitting rock bottom and finally connecting the dots between my repression and my behaviors I didn’t like which were hurting those I cared most, e.g. not taking care of myself at all, completely dissociated, unconsciously drawn to high-risk / suicidal behaviors that kept resulting in ER visits, etc.

        So, what motivated me was finally feeling a sense of responsibility to take care of myself so that I can be a good person for those in my life who are impacted by me. Connecting the dots of my health and happiness to the health and happiness of others was crucial for my motivation, and I underwent transition with no expectations that I would ever pass, actually live as a woman socially, etc. Instead I acted on principle, I knew the evidence was 1. I’m very likely suffering from gender dysphoria, which had more biological and medical components to it than I had previously realized might be relevant (reading about “biochemical dysphoria” in particular was eye-opening), and that 2. social & medical transition is safe and improves clinical outcomes significantly, so I reasoned that I should transition on the chance that it might make me a less miserable person to be around.

        And yeah, it worked - before transition I was extremely ill-tempered, obese, and I neglected all aspects of my health (I didn’t care for my hair and it turned into neglect dreads before I finally buzz cut it on an annual cycle, I didn’t brush my teeth, I didn’t exercise or diet or do anything for my health, etc.).

        After transition, I’m basically a completely different person; not only did I lose >40 lbs and I’m no longer obese (a doctor even referred to me as “skinny” lol), I’m also just happy and easy-going in ways I never was before (but in a way that deep down I knew I felt I could be).

        But transition for me was never motivated by the euphoria, it was always out of a sense of responsibility or as a way to be a good person (a major exception is estrogen, which actually does feel like taking recreational drugs, I am straightforwardly motivated to inject estrogen whether I’m trans or not).

        I would say just focus on HRT at first and don’t worry about much else - social transition can wait and happen on your own timeline, lots of girls wait until they start to pass (often around 1 year on HRT) to actually fully socially transition. Being visibly trans can be quite stressful, and I’m not 100% sure I would have gone back and recommended that I fully socially transition before starting HRT. I know for me, I had to come out to deny myself the closet, but I wish there had been another way.

        When my egg cracked, I had a long history of wearing women’s clothes at home, and even just buying and wearing a dress to an appointment with my therapist was a big deal for me. I remember feeling crushing, immobilizing fear and vulnerability. It was awful, but all I can say is that it gets easier - just keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep aiming in the right direction, and you’ll get there. You don’t have to be brave, I wasn’t. You don’t have to feel motivated, I wasn’t. It’s also a skill to learn how to keep yourself within a window of threshold - after egg-cracking is a very distressing time, focus on comfort for now - it’s a lot to absorb.