Back when I was a teen I’ve had a rather weak immune system for quite a while. Once or twice a year I’d have a pretty rough cold and went to the doctor. One of the symptoms I described was a strange feeling inside my throat, like there’d be some foreign object stuck, that doesn’t belong. My cold got treated, I got better, but that object, it never went away.

A while later I went to the hospital due to acid reflux issues. It was a rough time, I woke up and felt sick almost everyday. Again I explained that there’s this weird feeling in my throat, like there’s a knot or something, but the doctors couldn’t find anything out of the ordinary and dropped it.

Fast forward another ~15 years. I’m in therapy, mostly group-settings, and there’s a therapist whom I’ve developed a very strong feeling of trust towards. Very unusual. At some point I’ve mentioned that weird knot in my throat and she tried to help me find out what it might be. Maybe it’s a metaphor? A knot that’s keeping my feelings away from my conscience? Or even a psychosomatic manifestation of that?

Nope to all of that. IT WAS MY FUCKING WAY TO BIG ADAM’S APPLE ALL ALONG! A constant source of gender dysphoria, “stuck in my throat”, since my body told my larynx to grow during puberty.

It’s so surreal, there’s sooo much stuff that just suddenly is so easy to explain, struggles that I’ve thought about for years and never got really satisfying explanations for.

Did you have an interesting “It-was-gender-dysphoria-all-along” experience?

PS: Is there a nice term to address everyone in this beautiful space? I’m a little hesitant to use something like “Hey girls!”, because I wouldn’t want to exclude anyone who doesn’t feel that close to the feminine side.

PSS: Is something wrong with this post? Please let me know.

  • Amy@piefed.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    2·
    2 days ago

    Ah, that’s a good one! Two of mine that spring to mind:

    • My “fetish” for shaving off all my body hair. I had no idea why I was doing it, just that it felt really good.
    • When I first went to school, all the girls had pierced ears. So of course I asked if I could get mine pierced too, and was told no. That led to decades of being massively anti-piercings, because, it turns out, if I couldn’t have them then no one could. When my egg cracked and I realized I was just jealous and didn’t have to follow the instructions my parents gave my six-year-old self, I immediately went out and got earrings.

    EDIT: how could I forget? When I was about 11 I was convinced that I was going to grow boobs and could get transferred to the girls’ school instead. No dysphoria here, totally cis behavior.

    • jamie_veal (she/her)@feddit.orgOPEnglish
      1·
      2 days ago

      That second one triggered another memory… when I was a kid in a church going family, at some point I was expected to dress more appropriately. That of course meant wearing a shirt, eventually suit and tie. I hated this so, so much, actually never got through with wearing a tie. And I was so, so jealous of all the women who could dress nice in beautiful skirts and dresses. That might’ve been the moment I accepted the lie that I am a man and started to believe I have to live up to that.

      Oh, and another fun fact: Turns out most cis-men apparently do not have a phase in their teens, where they wonder if they’d be a better and more productive member of society if they lost their dicks for some reason. It wasn’t even related to gender at all, I somehow just believed, as some kind of eunuch, I might be a happier person.

      • Amy@piefed.blahaj.zoneEnglish
        1·
        2 days ago

        Ahaha, oh yes. We learned about castrati in music lessons, and all I could think was “that sounds awesome”