See title. How do I even cope with never being able to get pregnant? I mourn the fact that I never even once had the opportunity to get pregnant, to feel life in me developing, and all that. Of all things, this gives me the greatest dysphoria. I want to have wider hips and larger boobs, and even though I’m 28 (so hip widening likely won’t happen… maybe surgery?) and I’m 7 months on HRT, I feel like it’s not satisfactory yet. It has made me so much happier and I feel much more liberated having HRT, but even before I knew trans was a thing, even early on, I still had the desire to eventually be able to get pregnant.
I don’t care that it’s a lot of morning sickness, feeling miserable and extremely tired, heavy, and all that - I experienced long illness before. But having someone at the end of it, feeling the baby kick… I heavily miss that I cannot experience that. I’m happy for those who can, but I wish I could, and I want to actively fight for it. Even if I die or suffer horribly, then at least I will have contributed to further understanding so that people may one time experience it.
To that child whom I will likely not have the luck of carrying – may life find you when it calls you. I love you with all my heart and I wish I were able to see you. If I ever do succeed in that, then I swear solemnly to thank the world for its bounty and gifts; and regardless I will support all who struggle through life.
I commented this on a previous post about pregnancy dysphoria. Still holds true to how i feel,
I’ve mostly made peace with the fact that it will never happen. It hurts very badly sometimes but it is what it is. I really want to be a mom one day, and when I am able to I will love my children with all my heart. For me, being a mom is my life’s dream. I wish I could conceive my own children but, I can’t. Someday it will be a reality for women like us but it’s not there yet and I’m really not holding out any hope that it will be within my life time. Even if it does happen in my lifetime I don’t want to spend my life waiting for something that is unlikely to ever happen for me. Focusing on how ultimately being a mom itself is my dream has helped me cope. Because that is something I can work towards today.
I really strongly empathize with this pain though. I’ve cried myself to sleep over it many times. I hope you’re able to find what helps make it easier for you.