One nitpick- Solomon using demonic assistance to build his Temple is extrabiblical lore. I believe that Solomon’s command over demons might be mentioned in the Talmud, but not in the Bible itself.
The story of Elisha and the boys deserves to be “nitpicked” as well. I haven’t checked for myself, but from what I understand most secular and non-secular scholars agree that the Hebrew term includes babies all the way to “boys” who are in their twenties. This makes better sense of how the term is used in other passages and of why Elisha would encounter 42 of them (which only counts those who were mauled) just hanging out in the countryside.
While we’re at it, myrrh was a fragrant resin used in all sorts of applications, not just for embalming.
I guess I’ll keep it going. Moses means “to pull out from the water,” so he wouldn’t have been “Moses” while placing him in the basket.
Also, why would the daughter of the dude supposedly killing all of the slave babies be like, “I’m gonna name this baby using the slaves’ language.”
(because they were just a bronze age tribe in Palestine making up stories about take history in faraway places to big themselves up among the other tribes)
He was being chased by a gang of young men, not just being made fun of by some random children.
Translation is a scholarly art, and English translations - and the masses understanding of them - are like the restoration of the Ecce Homo fresco.
Here’s a biblical scholar talking about it. The bible specifies small boys, so definitely not in their 20s. Not that having bears eat adults for making fun of your bald head is any better.
That’s an apologist’s take not a scholar’s take. Modern translations use “small boys”.
good thing the context tells us it was little boys
That was the one I didn’t get. What’s it about?
There is a tradition from numerous ancient and medieval sources that Solomon had command over demons because he was the wisest man who ever lived and knew their name and all the ways to control them. This developed into the idea that Solomon had such control over demons that he could force them to build a temple for God against their will, and this is how the First Temple was built. This belief was common in the middle ages but not ever officially sanctioned by the Church.
For more reading-
https://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seal_of_Solomon
It’s a pretty metal legend. Solomon was a boss.
There is also a legend that Solomon was once outwitted by Asmodeus, who flung Solomon deep into the desert and shapeshifted to pretend to be him and rule in his place. Solomon then had to find his way back and take back his kingdom from Asmodeus.
DM: Not that one, Job: I have a special d20 just for you!
Looks like a d10 to me o lord.
d1
I’ll point out that the “Jesus and the fig tree” story is a parable. It’s made fun of a lot, but it’s a vicious lesson by someone who was very theatrical in their teaching style. The fig tree is Israel, who were expected by their god to always be in season and ready for their messiah. But when Jesus arrived, they were not in season, and so were cursed to never bear fruit again. It wasn’t an agricultural misunderstanding, it was a lesson and everything that surrounds it gives it context.
Asked one of those “Bible is all literal truth” guys one day, “How did Jesus teach?”
“?”
“He taught in parables, right? Stories that aren’t true, meant to illustrate a point.”
“Ok.”
“Is it possible other Bible stories are parables?”
“?”
Almost everything in there is a parable. It’s a cultural thing, because stories were only worth preserving as a lesson. The concept of preserving objective reality for its own sake is a very modern and recent ideology. It would have been seen as madness by ancient peoples.
deleted by creator
Sure, but even as a parable it shows jesus expects something that is not possible, and punishes living things for being as he created them to be.
One of the many things that christians seem to misunderstand is that almost none of the Bible is about them. It’s about the descendants of Israel who are the descendants of Noah who are the descendants of Adam and Eve, who were uniquely created by their god in its image and given a piece of its divine breath… none of which is about all humanity, but especially gentiles who are literally the same as wild animals as far as scripture is concerned.
Remember the story of the woman who begged Jesus and his disciples for help for days because her daughter was “possessed?” Not only did Jesus go out of his way to ignore and avoid her for days, he then compared her to a dog for not being Israelite. Only when she leaned into the insult did Jesus relent.
Israel was that specific fig tree and Israel was supposed to be special and had unique expectations placed on them since they were literally their god’s children, and other people were not.
I’m not disagreeing really. I’m building on your point.
Dude, you completely left out Abraham. Which is wild given that Judaism, Christianity, and Islam are all referred to as Abrahamic faiths. While Abraham was descended from Adam and Eve, it is far more accurate to say Israelites trace their heritage back to Abraham. This is because it is Abraham that makes the first covenant pact with God.
Abraham gives birth to two sons. At first, Abraham’s wife is barren, so to have a kid they all agree Abraham knock up his servant. This gives birth to Ishmael. Fourteen years later, Abraham’s wiife finally manages to miraculously conceive, and Isaac is born. And there’s this whole deal where god puts Abraham to the test and tells Abraham he has to sacrifice Isaac to him. And both of them go along with it only for God to go, “Nevermind, guys, it was a test. But since you’ve pleased me by being so faithful, I’ll grant you a powerful line through Isaac (Israel),” and God then sends them a ram to sacrifice instead.
Isaac gives birth to two sons, Esau and Jacob, twins, but Esau was born first. Technically, God’s blessing is his by birthright. Isaac favors Esau, Isaac’s wife favors Jacob. Jacob gains the birthright twice over. Once because Esau returns to camp, hungry as hell one day and just casually trades his birthright to Jacob in return for some lentil stew. Second, when Isaac is pretty much on his death bed, and blind, Isaac’s wife and Jacob trick Isaac into blessing Jacob instead of Esau. Initially, Esau is pissed and Jacob flees. But he eventually comes back and reconciles with his brother and wrestles God (I’m not kidding.) Then his name gets changed from Jacob to Israel. Dude marries two wives, one of which is his sister, and gives birth to twelve sons, which become the twelve tribes of Israel. There’s also a daughter, but this is a patriarchal religion so women don’t matter. This is basically where the Jew as Jews start.
Now, rewinding back a bit, remember that Ishmael guy, born of the servant Abraham knocked up? Yeah, so he and the servant got sent away. But God also promises this servant and Ishmael that Ishmael too, will give birth to a great nation, and that he will have 12 sons himself that will become princes. And it is Islam, specifically, the prophet Muhammed, who traces their roots back to Ishmael. That’s how fucking old the whole Jew/Muslim conflict is.
And then there’s Christianity, which is when some Jew named Jesus was born the son of Virgin Mary and went on to preach love and kindness and got himself sacrificed in a story which really illustrates, once you remove the falsehoods of heaven, hell, and God, that humanity is so crooked they’ll basically kill a man for being too good while praising and pardoning a criminal (Barabbas. He and Christ both get the chance to be pardoned by the people, but they can only choose one. Barabbas is chosen, and Christ gets crucified.) But also yes, as you said, Jesus totally favored the Jews, and did the whole thing with comparing the woman to a dog versus the childeren he was meant to lead (Israelites.)
humanity is so crooked they’ll basically kill a man for being too good while praising and pardoning a criminal
That’s also something of an allegory, in so far as Jesus’s great offense involved claiming to be “King of Kings” in defiance of the secular laws (which the Pharisees and Romans had co-mingled with the regional religious faith). This was all taking place during a historic armed and militant uprising of Jews against Roman occupation - one that failed shortly after the crucifixion.
So then you have Peter and Paul effectively reconciling with the Roman government and creating a kind-of religious third-way for the Jewish state. One in which you could be both a good Jew and a loyal Roman citizen, because you just tell yourself things look like shit now but when you die everything gets reversed.
Eventually, the cult of Christianity becomes so pervasive that even Romans start believing in the post-death reversal of fortune. And this climaxes in the Roman Civil War in which a general paints all his shields with the crucifix to prove how he’s God’s Favorite Underdog and wins. And then Constantine says “Why wait until you’re dead? What if Christianity gets its heyday on Earth starting now?” Kicks off the conversion of the Roman Empire to Christianity. And effectively forms the bedrock of modern Catholicism as a globe-spanning 1700 year old organized church.
Makes sense, especially when you consider that John the Baptist was an Apocalyptic Jew who played a foundational role in The Christ’s contemporary education.
Their god was a local god, which like all the people’s gods everywhere had a creation myth for their people. Of course the other people weren’t included. If they wanted a creation or a god, they could just come up with their own. Lazy cunts.
If they wanted a creation or a god, they could just come up with their own.
I mean, they did. And then Joshua showed up with his horn and his seven day parade march.
Wait I’m not good in Bible is that Greasy Josh or Moses’s boy toy?
Not saying you’re wrong in a practical sense, but carrying practical sense into an allegorical story from a culture and time not your own is, if not folly, at least ill-advised.
And if christians were willing to treat the bible as just a product of the culture and time that would be great. Unfortunately it is held up as an everlasting, ever correct guide to moral character. Thatsbwhy pointing out the issues with it is important, lest we get stuck with (at best) a 2000 year outdated moral framework.
Also, in the Apocrypha, childhood Jesus turned a kid he didn’t like into a tree. Quite possibly… a fig tree.
Jesus was a little asshole. It’s pretty funny those works survived.
Jesus:i cast curse
DM: roll to hit
Jesus: nevermind i cast true polymorph
DM: at?
Jesus: that pesky SOB over there
DM: the eight year old?
Jesus: well now he’s a fig tree.
DM: Jesus, dude…
Jesus: I cast curse on the tree
Jesus: curses random tree
Followers: Jesus, is there a problem? You can tell us directly.
Jesus: No, everything is fine *sulks*
deleted by creator
DM: You killed so many people with that donkey bone I think we can stop treating it as an improvised weapon. Here’s a proper statblock.
There is a convenience store I stop at which has a self help / religious book rack. On it, there is a copy of “The Action Bible”, and, given it’s cover, I assume this is the DMG for OPs campaign.
I love how there’s a random cute girl in the top left, no idea who the hell she’s supposed to be, but 👍🏻.
Probably Mary Magnalin. That is pretty funny though
Hmm it might be his mom Mary. She’s j got a virginal look.
There’s also a Manga Bible, which is a pretty rad artistic interpretation as well. :D
I mean, I feel like making Jesus a samurai is as authentic to history as making him a blond white dude.
Also, wandering the countryside, helping out the peasants and tweaking the nose of the establishment, gathering a crew of like-minded friends/followers, and culminating in an act of self-sacrifice which results in the protagonist’s willing death? I can easily see how someone could imagine, “what if Jesus, but ronin?”.
Shit. Im gonna end up buying one or both of these at some point…
How is each an every one of them a hit. Great consistency, 10/10 post
The Daniel in the Lions’ Den one could have had Daniel rolling a nat 20 animal handling check right as the DM warns him it’s not a good idea, that would have been even better.
Lol funny, but also, they were money changers, not money lenders. Exchanging foreign currencies.
Okay now do Lot
LOT: Look I know we didn’t get the hint very quickly but I think sending angels to literally handhold us out of the city might be too much railroading for me.
GM: Alright, I’m sorry, I just… I spent all afternoon planning stuff in Zoara.
EDITH: Hey, I know they said not to look back, but I want to look back. They’ll never notice.
GM: You sure about that?
EDITH: Let me enjoy seeing Steve get divinely smote at least
GM: Alright, roll a Con save
EDITH: Con save? To look without the angels noticing?
GM: It’s not about the angels
I thank thee. Hopefully the GM’s not too salty about Edith wandering off the main storyline again
Can’t stop giggling. Thank you.
What is that summon demon one?
The Seal of Solomon. Solomon’s signet ring, given to him by God, is supposed to have granted him a bunch of supernatural abilities, one of which was the ability to command things like devils and jinns. I think the story is only part of specific mysticist beliefs within the Abrahamic religions and not in any of the main texts, hence the GM having to check their books for it
Why, thank you! TIL
I think the story is only part of specific mysticist beliefs within the Abrahamic religions and not in any of the main texts
GM: Ask, and it shall be given unto you.
Solomon: I just wanna flip through that collection of splatbooks you’ve got back there.
as a roman catholic, i had a good chuckle. hope to see more.
when your players are wild but know how to make memorable stories
I always link 2 Kings 2 to The Apocalypse Players - A Christmas Inheritance. If you enjoy a Call of Cthulu adventure, I highly recommend it.
