I figured it out around the time I turned 34. It destroyed my marriage and made me the most depressed I ever have been. It’s become a secret that I want out, but am terrified it’d ruin my relationship with my family and friends. There’s so much positivity about transitioning, but it’s been the most transformative experience of my life for reasons entirely separate from my body.

That said, my experience is unlikely to be yours. And even mine has some joy in it. Some of the first glimpses of happiness on the other side of depression were being able to look in the mirror and see at least some of the woman I wanted to be. It’s also been liberating because of things like your question about sexuality. There’s no rules, no requirements, and it’s entirely to you to decide your identity.

I’m not going to say it’s easy. HRT, in particular, has been a hell of a thing. You get to feel more, but that swings so hard both ways. There’s been days that have been starting out well and end in tears for inconsequential reasons. But the most important thing I’ve found is a support network. Having someone, anyone to talk to makes it easier. If you can afford a therapist, I’d highly recommend it.

The point of this downer of a comment is that despite all the bad that’s come with it, I’m still all in on this. I can’t un-realize it, I can only repress it, and that does no one any good. The answer of “wtf you’re supposed to do with this” is different for everyone, but it doesn’t have to be a burden. It is what you make of it, and even with the hurt it’s caused, it’s been something that I’ve grown to love. You don’t have to pick out new clothes or start presenting yourself to others today, or even this year. Go however fast you’re comfortable with, and know that (at least with the Internet, and maybe even in your town) there’re resources that can help, if you reach out.