I posted this in the wrong meme community. Reposting here.
I’m AMAB who has always felt a little uncomfortable in my own skin. I’m decently comfortable occupying my body, but I do wish it was easier/more acceptable to transition. I had a dream last night that I was at a doctor’s office and I was starting HRT. It has put me in a funk all day.
To be honest, I consider myself fluid enough to continue identifying as a man to anyone but myself. I just wish I could live two lives. Or go back and make the decision to transition when I was younger. I am a stereotypical guy: hairier than not, chubbier than not, deep brow, gnarled hands, etc. I don’t really think I could ever feel truly “woman enough” to feel comfortable trying out the other side of the gender spectrum. I’ve tried growing my hair, piercing my ears, and wearing a teeny bit of eye liner, but it just never looked right on me. I just looked a bit weird.
I’m venting here to hopefully deal with the funky vibes my dream gave me. I’ve never been this open with any audience: virtual or physical. So, apologies if this is coming off a bit transphobic in any way.
Hun, no need to apologize. What you’re describing sounds exactly like gender dysphoria. If the only thing holding you back is the fear that you wouldn’t be pretty enough in your own eyes, then the only thing holding you back is your own internalized transphobia.
I’m certainly not throwing shade, I’m enby and I lived just like you for ~25 years before starting hormone therapy. I spent decades envying binary trans folks 'til research showed that enbys like me can benefit from it too. I’ll never be traditionally pretty thanks to my first puberty, but I can be soft and curvy and that’s enough to make me comfortable in my own skin even if most people just see me as a dude.
Your experiences may differ since you’re fluid, but I think you need to offer yourself a bit more grace. Deviation from cishetero norms is hard, but lying to yourself about your own feelings is a burden that only grows heavier with time. Meditate on those funky vibes, maybe they can be satisfied by dressing in drag on occasion? That’s how I self-soothed 'til I felt safe enough to start hormones.
Thanks for the comment. I appreciate the honesty. Like I said in other comments, I have a lot of things that are holding me back, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t explore it entirely. I just don’t think I can go ‘all in’ but maybe that’s ok. Definitely internalized transphobia and other body image issues make it much harder.