Hey everyone, first time posting. Hoping there are others with similar experiences who can share insight, but at minimum I want to put my thoughts down.
I [29MtF] am pre-everything, but have accepted I am trans for the last 4 years with the understanding I would never transition. Continuing to live as a man in spite of myself seemed realistic. My dysphoria was never really that bad, so even though the idea of being a woman was amazing, I could always push it aside easily and continue with my life.
Sure, I would have bad days where dysphoria would get me down, thinking things like:
“Why can’t I look like her? Why does it have to be such a big deal if I want to transition? Why would so many people hate me for being who I want to be?”
But as always, these times would come and go. I could grin and bear it, pressing on to another day.
My wife of 6 years is fantastic. I love her more than the day we were married, and we have a child on the way. In the past, I have been open with her about my general preference towards femininity. While she accepts this and loves me for it, I have never properly told her I think of myself as transgender. She and I both come from a background where being trans is considered wrong, and I know she still thinks that even though we are both supporting and accepting of our LGBTQ+ friends.
In the last year, one of my closest childhood friends told me he was gay. He and I regularly get drinks together, and mostly tell each other everything. When he came out to me, I told him I was trans. We have both been able to support each other, mostly as confidants while he deals with backlash from his family. I wish I could tell my wife as easily as I told my friend, but obviously that has more potential consequences.
The more time passes with me accepting who I am inside, the more natural it becomes to think of myself that way. This unfortunately has made dysphoria a more frequent and intense experience.
Additionally, there have been a handful of incredibly euphoric experiences I have had in the last year. My wife and I cosplayed a lesbian couple at a con this summer, which was the first time I dressed femme in public. Also, with my wife’s pregnancy, I have been wearing some of her maternity clothes (shorts, sweatpants) around the house since those fit me surprisingly well. (Also justice for all of my hoodies she has claimed over the years)
I know for certain that transitioning would sever ties with almost all of my family and friends. Further, my wife would have a difficult time deciding what our future together would look like, assuming it continued at all. Despite her open mindedness, our shared religious beliefs would ultimately inform the outcome.
I wish it wasn’t so hard to keep pretending. I’m just so tired.
Edit: Update
Be true to yourself and find ways to grow and become a better person each and every day.
You are hiding secrets from your wife. Secrets that you are actively sharing with others that are not your wife. Would you prefer to live with this secret for the rest of your life? Would you prefer to wait to transition until you are no longer able to be passable with hrt? Would you be happy with yourself and the decisions that you made in life if you looked back at your past from your death bed and saw that you chose to be male throughout every single one of your memories? Would you be fine dieing as a man? Is your decision being made because you are the one making it, or because you are embarrassed about how others may react when you tell them how you really prefer to be?
The choice is yours. No one else can make it for you. Some say that we choose our own heaven and hell in life. If you’re living in a personal hell, you might want to consider making different choices
Feeling like I need to keep secrets from her is one of the things that makes it the hardest. I want to bring myself into the light. I would not be content on my deathbed.
You need to sort out your morals, religion, and philosophy.
You said you believe being trans is wrong, yet support your lgbt friends. You believe being trans is wrong, yet you are trans? Friend, you need to fix yo shit and start putting that religion bigot nonsense to rest. Find god a different way, realize your understanding was wrong, whatever you gotta do. But you need to settle those conflicts. Have a conversation with yourself or something, do it aloud or online or something, because believing your existence is wrong is a really dark and stupid path.
And before you fear what you may find: yes, you may realize that a lot of the people you know and the world are really fucked up and seriously stupid.
But remember: lgbt people have messy lives for a reason and it’s not by their choice, and you are never wrong for existing as your authentic self.
See you in 10 or 20 years when you are writing a long post about how much you regret this decision and all of the time you wasted. All you have to do is look at the many MANY other posts of people who did what you are planning on doing and regret it big time to know its true.