Hi, I’m not completely not ok, but my headspace is a mess, so I’d like to ask for media recommendations and tips for the panic I’m going through.
I’ve kinda known I am trans for years, but only in a dissociated, intellectualized sense, while living as a man. And recently I’ve gotten a tiny extra amount of monetary safety, enough to make me emotionally relax, and the realization of my transness hit me.
I was unable to imagine my self 5 years down there line. I drew a complete blank. My imagination suffocating between dysphoria and denial.
I’ve been seeing myself only as a girl in dreams for a week, and it has felt wonderful, and when I’m awake I’m paralyzed in dread of the amount of work in front of me, my deeply internalized misogyny about my appearence, my bigoted (though “safe enough”) surrounding people…
Question, what have you watched that brought you trans joy? Encouragement to go on towards something worth it.
And, in more mentally panicky matters, what do I do about an incredible amount and thickness of body hair? I know that the very dark coloration of it makes laser an option, I’ve heard electrolysis is underrated, but those seem like absolutely enormous steps right now. What can be easy, early, discreet steps I can take for some euphoria?
Obviously you need to chase your own joy and my list might not be relevant for you, it’s just what I do. I was so deep in the closet I never tried any of this shit before though so maybe if you’ve been doing these things already they won’t hit as hard.
My pre-hrt euphoria farming guide would be:
Shave: the first time i saw myself without body hair I broke down crying because for the first time in my adult life, I didn’t vicerally hate myself and my body. The feeling of self hatred that was always always present in my life, that I thought was about weight, about lack of muscle tone etc, gone. I just couldn’t stand my body hair because it was so masculine. Hair removal cream gave me good results for my chest and back when I was finding that shaving the thicker hairs was painful or irritating, but for the love of all that is holy, don’t leave it on longer than the packet says! It’s annoying as fuck to have do hair removal regularly but you’re going to have to get used to some more routine maintenance in your future so might as well start now.
Skirts. They go spinney. Long maxi skirts work on literally any figure. If you have a place that is safe for you to experiment, buy some fuckin skirts and spin around in them. Didn’t think I needed them, thought I’d be fine in jeans, tried one once, now jeans are the tyrannical enemy of joy. Skirt squad 4 lyfe. See also, tights/fishnets/stockings/leggings etc.
Makeup. Put on makeup, you’ll look cute as fuck. I’m still shit at putting it on but eye shadow and lipstick and mascara are fucking glorious. Foundation is still a cosmic mystery to me. I might be too old for it. Who cares.
Nails. Get some colours you like, and get some clear base and top coat plus nail polish remover and cotton makeup remover pads (the good, thick kind that doesn’t disintegrate on contact). I literally stare at my hands for significant time these days, it’s like huffing gender euphoria (maybe that’s the fumes from the nail polish remover, who can say?).
Accessorise: jewellery, bracelets, chains, hats, whatever. But a load of cheap things and see what you like, you can always get the good quality shit later, this is about having fun and experimenting with low stakes.
Let yourself try things as much as you can, you probably don’t know yet what you really want because you’ve not let yourself have it. Im here to say, take it, it’s all yours. Discard what you don’t want, and follow the feeling of happiness. Make yourself safe first (alone, in private, or with trusted people), then embrace the cringe for a bit. You can worry about being cool again later. Be a teenager for a while.