I already knew, that I am not capable of looking at the images of transition timelines, because it is absolutely devastating to see the progress of others while I have not even got it to get on the waiting list for an endo (but I am on my way to starting DIY). Seeing these kinds of pictures usually triggered quite heavy dysphoria and it usually comes almost instantly.
However, it seems like that not just transition timelines, but also storys of others who came out and literally had the best possible experience seems to be now a trigger too. Storys of people telling how supportive their parents are or who got the courage to go out full girl mode, while I am sitting here not trusting my parents with anything I plan on doing transition wise, since they usually try to gaslight me into not doing things or my mother gatekeeping on what standards I have to meet to be a woman. I am also way to nervous to go out in full girl mode (it took me literal weeks until being comfortable enough to not constantly hide my painted nails while being out in public).
It is absolutely devastating seeing how others are succesfull in becoming who they really are, and getting lots of support on the way to it, while it kind of feels like that I have to fight for everything myself and every single step in my transition takes literal ages.
Just so that this does not get mistaken: I have friends who are supportive, but they cant really take the burden of actually doing things from me. Best they can do is, that sometimes when we are doing something I get the courage to go out in a skirt since talking to someone distracts me and stops me from panicing over something as small as a piece of clothing. I dont even really have to fear for transphobia or meeting someone I am not out to yet when going out in girl mode. Its completely irrational, but still it takes wagon loads of courage (or weed) to actually go out in girl mode.
What you’re experiencing is relatively common in my experience. Transitioning sucks, even with support. It’s slow, expensive, often disappointing and it takes an absurd amount of both bravery and energy to live genuinely. You’re doing great.
I’ve always struggled with transition timelines, especially before I started transitioning. Thinking about it now, I’m actually surprised that I don’t find they trigger dysphoria any more. Certainly still jealousy, but it makes me happy to see people enjoying life. I’m not really happy with the physical changes I’ve made so far, it’s been slow and subtle and I can’t really work out how to stop boy moding, but I like myself now even if I still want to much more.
It’s too bad that transition timelines often focus on meeting stereotypical beauty standards, because imo transition is about so much more than that. I get to talk to a lot of people at different stages, and the truly inspiring thing is how much happier people become. It’s definitely a fight, but it’s one you can win even if it’s in ways you might not expect. I’m sorry it’s so damn hard and I wish it was possible to ease the burden.
Celebrate your wins as they come, you’re working hard as hell and deserve to feel good about every step forward.