So, I realized a Lil while back, (2+y) I’m mtf trans. My spouse and I have been together ~16 years and now she’s committed to seeing this through and seeing how things end up because she loves me, not my flesh necessarily. But, she’s concerned because we grew up with a very strict, conservative, religious background and did always consider ourselves cishet.
She loves me for me, but is worried about the future and super curious about exploring her sexuality to figure out if she’s as straight as she thought (she’s also had some do I want her or to be her thoughts).
Main point is, does anyone have any suggestions for how she can explore and figure things out without opening the marriage, and preferably without porn?
I’m still struggling to understand the romantic and sexual attraction spectrums and where I fit in the, but she seems very high on the romantic spectrum as in, she can’t imagine being intimate without a serious relationship.
I don’t know. I’m just looking for options to help her figure herself out, and us out, while I figure myself out too.
If the issue includes gender presentation repulsion, then just start with dressing femme and see how it goes. If you share similar sizes, try wearing her clothes. Have her help you with makeup and outfit planning to make it a fun activity. It will allow you to see if you like it, and her to see if she is comfortable with it.
If the issue also includes genitals and you’re planning to change yours, then bringing in someone with those genitals is likely going to be necessary if you want to know before your surgery. A decent quality escort might be a good option to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings in all of that depending on the laws in your area or your ability to travel somewhere it’s legal and safe. Another option might be some toys that have a full torso with breasts and vulva/vagina and playing with that to see how it goes, but not sure how effective that is overall compared to a real person, which is definitely a different experience.
Also, note that a lot of these things are learned rather than instinctual. Especially gender presentation which is a societal norm, not an inherent gender related compulsion. So, those are usually possible to overcome, though therapy may be required. Genital attraction is a little instinct and a little societal, so it can be more complex. But there are ways around it, like toys.
Either way, a good therapist that specifically has experience with transgender issues is going to likely be necessary because a lot of these issues are not going to just disappear on their own. Usually they are deeply seeded in conditioning from religion or other conservative ideals and breaking those kinds of conditioning takes time and doing it wrong can result in resentment.
Been on the other side (spouse is ftm). As someone in a similar position who was not really interested in men (but now very much so to my husband), keep in mind that she does not need to be attracted to all women, just you.
My recommendation for an easy place to start, for both of you, is for you to dress up around her. Put on a dress and makeup, or some other feminine outfit (however it is you want to dress, whatever makes you feel pretty). Try to look how you want to. See if she’s still attracted to you. When you’re both comfortable, take it to the bedroom, and give it a shot. If she’s still enjoying it, then that’s what’s important!
Physical transitions don’t happen overnight, and I was able to get used to the changes as they happened. I still see the same person I saw when we first got together, and even though there are some physical differences, he’s the same person he’s always been.
The hardest part for me was the social aspect, not the attraction. While I could try to give suggestions here, if this is a struggle for you or her, seriously seek a therapist. This isn’t something that’s easy to overcome, and it will take time.
Good luck!
I hope you don’t mind me asking a different question here, but feel free to not respond. It’s nice of you to take some time to help OP and I don’t want to discourage that by asking a follow up you may not want to respond to, but if you’re willing, do you mind sharing if your view of your personal sexuality changed? If you were previously only attracted to women, do you now consider yourself bi or pan or something else, or is it just an attraction for your husband? If it’s an only him thing does he feel some way about that?
If you were previously only attracted to women, do you now consider yourself bi or pan or something else, or is it just an attraction for your husband?
Only really him, though I don’t categorize myself as anything (bi, pan, straight, whatever). My only real concern is whether I find who I’m with to be attractive, and the answer to that is yes. I guess that’d make me pan?
If it’s an only him thing does he feel some way about that?
As far as I’m aware, not really, but I’d have to ask. He does find my attraction to him to be important, but hasn’t mentioned anything beyond that to me (maybe to his therapist but I don’t want to ask him too much about that).
Thank you for sharing! I hope everyone is able to find a partner as loving and supportive as yourself.
Another option is to try and find a local munch or kink club. From what I understand, munches are more social in nature where people talk about sex and kink, not necessarily committing the acts at the munch. Whether or not that counts as “porn” in your eyes is up to you, but I think having the social aspect of talking to other people in real life may help ease you and your spouse into discovering a broader world of sexuality than what your conservative upbringings taught you, and perhaps making the emotional/psychological aspect of your transition easier.
My knee-jerk reaction was to go “uh, really? A munch?” but you may be onto something here.
At least in my neck of the woods, the focus is on socializing and getting to know people-- and education, and safety, along with the fun stuff. That is a pretty good start, actually.
You can also find adjacent groups because yes, kinky people got hobbies like everyone else. There are trans support groups, board gamers, video gamers, and neeeererrrrrds.
So, yeah. I guess it wouldn’t hurt after all!
I have honestly never heard of this concept, but am significantly more intrigued than the idea of “find a sex club”
They are literally called “munches”? Are there other terms ? Any other terms or ways to find something like this? Legit, I’ve never heard of this being a thing before.
Yep. In regards to the “find a sex club” comment, you don’t necessarily have to participate; you can probably simply watch/socialize with others.
- Informational article: https://consentculture.community/faq-items/what-are-munches-and-how-do-i-attend-one/
- Website with a directory of local groups by country on the right side: https://findamunch.com/why-should-i-munch/
One more thing, since you mentioned a religious upbringing: assuming your upbringing was Christian and you still consider yourself Christian, and you/your spouse don’t mind reading books, I can offer some recommendations that I would consider supportive and affirmative.
The same places that hold munches might have other events as well. There are polyamorous gaming nights at the place nearest me.
So just sexuality or kink things too (kink is not inherently sexual)?
Generally speaking though you’re going to want to do reading up about things, watching videos (on youtube), listening to podcasts and really thinking about what it is you like, if possible without the gender binary and that whole performance etc.
Try to take yourself back to basics, what you fantasise about, how you like to be touched etc. Really explore ideas and concepts from the base of your psyche without lumping all the societal bullshit on top, if possible. It will take time and it’ll probably be a struggle and take effort but it might improve things for you in general, whether or not you decide that you can only be a certain sexuality. I’ve found for me that exploring things through queer ungendered erotica with heavy emphasis on care, consent and communication can be useful but you did say no porn, so 🤷♀️.
Also, talk about things with each other without judgement, that’ll help a lot.
Hope this helps!
Thanks for the advice!
We try to be super open about all of this. I think a big point is that she recognizes and understands and supports my transition, but she’s nervous she will be less attracted to me later and wants to explore how much of a possibility she really might be into women, but cannot see herself doing a one night stand situation, so we’re a bit stumped on “how do we figure it out without actually having sex?” situation? Idk if it’s even possible, just fishing for ideas for something I’m probably missing.
Do you only experience attraction during sex? I feel it in my eyes when smiling, hear it when someone’s face makes pretty noises, bounce off it when trying to hold a walking conversation and failing. Just be open to your feelings!
Really explore ideas and concepts from the base of your psyche without lumping all the societal bullshit on top, if possible.
Approaching my lived experiences of attraction as mere phenomena, was critical to (or was it the cause of, or rather the anticipation of?) finding them to be unbound by social constructs of gender, sex, or sexuality. Try not to mistake the map for the territory. The menu is not the meal.
Does erotic literature count as porn in this situation? If not, she could try reading some steamy lesbian smut and see if it does much for her!
If it does count as porn, then perhaps you could find a therapist who specialises in sex or lgbtq+ issues to talk to together - your experience is by no means unusual, despite being every bit as difficult
Other than that, if you folks have sex, then she’s been having sex with a girl for ages and enjoying it, so she’s almost certainly not straight ;P
In that vein, perhaps just having sex in a way that really drives home the fact that she’s having sex with a girl? Discuss with her and ask her to do things like… Touch you in a more typically feminine way, like really caressing your body, your hips, your breasts, your ass, your thighs. Telling you you’re pretty etc when she dirty talks, if she dirty talks. If you don’t already wear makeup or lingerie when you have sex, you could do so!
Good luck, this is never an easy time, but you’ll find your way the best you can
I think anything that’s let’s you hear and think about sex and sexuality would help on exploring without any of the more porny aspects. I love Dan Savage podcast and column which is all about sex and relationships. Hearing about other people sex lives and problem will help you see a variety of different things about relationships structures, sex, kink and sexuality. Some will be interested in learning more others might give you the Ick. All good to know.
In a similar vein would be the standard kink and sex books. Those range from steamy to clinical in their handling. Worth checking books out
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