I posted this in the wrong meme community. Reposting here.
I’m AMAB who has always felt a little uncomfortable in my own skin. I’m decently comfortable occupying my body, but I do wish it was easier/more acceptable to transition. I had a dream last night that I was at a doctor’s office and I was starting HRT. It has put me in a funk all day.
To be honest, I consider myself fluid enough to continue identifying as a man to anyone but myself. I just wish I could live two lives. Or go back and make the decision to transition when I was younger. I am a stereotypical guy: hairier than not, chubbier than not, deep brow, gnarled hands, etc. I don’t really think I could ever feel truly “woman enough” to feel comfortable trying out the other side of the gender spectrum. I’ve tried growing my hair, piercing my ears, and wearing a teeny bit of eye liner, but it just never looked right on me. I just looked a bit weird.
I’m venting here to hopefully deal with the funky vibes my dream gave me. I’ve never been this open with any audience: virtual or physical. So, apologies if this is coming off a bit transphobic in any way.
I did my best to read the gender dysphoria bible during some of my work meetings and - for better or worse - I do fulfill a lot of the cliches illustrated in it. Even as a teen, I occasionally wore makeup, painted my nails, etc. I didn’t really feel comfortable around my peers. I’m guilty of sleeping as much as possible to kind of live in the fantasy.
All that being said, I have so much internalized transphobia (as someone else pointed out) and I’m deeply entrenched in this life as AMAB. If I could guarantee I would love myself as a trans woman, I might consider it. But I feel somewhat confident that my inability to pass and my shame make the idea transitioning overwhelmingly difficult. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m maybe fetishising the experiencing (despite reading the subsection “Consider That It’s Rarely ‘Just A Fetish.’”). It’s nice to talk about it nonetheless.