This is going to sound crazy but the ghost of Hitler died in front of me.

I know you’re going to hate me, but the kid from air Bud gave me syphilis

… I do not like this game

Or just tell them why your car isn’t working:

I feel terrible but Dan Rather posted my nudes on Instagram.

This is going to sound crazy but my high school marching band just shit the bed.

Get this, a high school marching band stabbed me.

Et tu, tromboner?

I feel terrible but a high school marching band stabbed me.

Please forgive my absence, a professional cricket team stole my bicycle…

I know youre going to hate me, but the ghost of hitler posted my nudes on instagram

Please forgive my absence, my Tinder date found my box of human teeth.

I was minding my own business and boom! My Tinder date poured lemonade in my gas tank

I feel terrible but a sad clown died in front of me.

Doesn’t track. One less clown in the world, why feel terrible? (/s if it’s not obvious).

This is going to sound like an excuse, but Dan Rather found my box of human teeth 😬

I feel terrible but the kid from Air Bud is having a nervous breakdown.

Get this: the kid from Airbud stabbed me