My story so far…

For context, I finally came to understand that I’m trans in my late thirties. With the benefit of hindsight, I can clearly see that before then, I’d been an egg my whole life (although that wasn’t obvious until several months into transitioning, after much reflection and remembering different long-forgotten things). Became aware of trans people in the authentic, non-stereotype sense somewhere around 2014, seriously wondered if I might be trans starting somewhere around 2019, but didn’t manage to properly crack until September 2023. Highlights from that point on:

• Week 1: Soul-searching and binge-reading. Came out to two friends who happen to be trans, who helped me sort out what I was feeling and remove some doubts. They continued and continue to be a huge source of help.
• Week 2: Came out to parents and siblings. Started looking for a therapist.
• Week 3: Started ordering things online to experiment with and identify what would be euphoric (clothes, wig, jewelry, shaving equipment, etc.) to nail down what my gender even was. It quickly became clear that I am a lady.
• Week 4: Started therapy.
• Month 2: Tried breast forms, which immediately led to seeking a physician to pursue HRT. Couldn’t decide what to do about hair and settled on doing nothing (i.e., not cut it, but not style it or anything either), which persists to the present day.

…

• Month 4: Started HRT. Began to gradually come out to friends one by one. Attempted a name change with immediate family, but it didn’t stick. Tried pronoun change, but it was too awkward and confusing for me to have different pronouns in different contexts and with different groups, so I held off on it for the time being.
• Month 5: Tried makeup and determined it was way too much effort for my level of executive functioning at the time. At some point by this time I’d also dabbled in voice training and arrived at the same conclusion. Both situations persist to the present day. This was also around the time that I gave up on shaving body hair long-term due to the amount of effort and rapid regrowth, and resolved to shoot for permanent removal once I no longer had to be coy about it.
• Month 6: Started experimenting with name changes among friends in limited trial runs. At this time I also started occasionally requesting that friends use she/her in private, but not in public, also for limited trial runs.

…

• Month 9: Got really sick of coming out to people one by one and being secretive. I started making plans to come out at work so I could be fully out and update people with broader announcements instead. Started looking for a place to do laser hair removal and going back and forth with my insurance company over coverage. The latter situation persists to the present day (but I finally made a promising appointment just today! Things are looking up!).
• Month 10: Came out at work and in general. From this point on, consistently using proper pronouns everywhere except in legal contexts and a chosen name everywhere except work, legal contexts, and where impractical. Still haven’t decided on a long-term name, but trying a few out.
• Month 11 (present day): Presenting authentically in public. Given the body hair, lack of makeup, being early in HRT, and the fact that I still haven’t really figured out feminine clothes I’d be comfortable wearing in public (and therefore continue to mostly wear my old clothes), I probably don’t read as feminine. Thanks to that and HRT having blessed my chest, I probably mostly give off “unkempt non-binary” vibes. But it still feels good to make no effort to disguise anything or worry about anyone noticing anything.

And that’s about it to date.

Since you mention having doubts, I’ll add that I find the most valuable thing you can do is experiment. Try things and see how they feel, even if you expect a certain outcome. For me, at least, some sources of dysphoria don’t become apparent until I experience the euphoria from addressing them. Even when you do already know, it can help you become more confident or to prioritize things if you get a better idea of just how much they will affect you. So don’t be afraid to get your feet wet. Fuck around and find out!

Falling in love, maybe.

As someone who realized they are trans and therefore also gay within the past year…

Update: I was right, it’s cozy as fuck.

Also, most of the game is just clicking through dialogue while enjoying synthwave music, which is great for letting your mind escape, but is not for everyone. I’m definitely enjoying it.

I haven’t played it in years, but I remember getting really cozy vibes from “VA-11 Hall-A: Cyberpunk Bartender Action”. You basically just talk to customers and hear their stories while serving drinks. I didn’t end up playing all the way to the end, but I remember it being really chill and laid back.

Come to think of it, since I didn’t know I was trans back when I played it, I’m now wondering if some of the cozy vibes came from diffuse, unrecognized gender euphoria via the female protagonist. Been meaning to play it again to see how it strikes me now.

Actually, this is getting me kind of hype to play it; I think I’ll fire it up.

I’ll second this. Finding it in the sidebar was a great help when my egg finally shattered around six months ago.

I was reluctant to watch those at first, for the same reason, but at this point I enjoy making an evening of it.

I mean, if I could shut down my office without getting fired and still get paid, I’d consider it too.

lol, same

https://youtu.be/HZhGf3xv9hY?si=LSAkyyTlgWRb3hA4

There’s really no substitute for reading the whole thing, but if you just want to know what it’s about, it’s a semi-autobiographical, semi-hypothetical account of what it looks like to grow up repressing your gender identity, particularly if you happen to be assigned male at birth and like women.

If that has been your experience, it’s very likely to resonate. When I was still questioning, it felt so eerily familiar that it led me to frantically scour the internet for more information on the transgender experience until my egg finally cracked about 24 hours later (after many years of periodically peering around without really getting anywhere).

Love this text. Reading this is what started my final, frantic sprint towards hatching.

Is that pronounced like the “ed” in a norse “edda” or like the “ed” in the garden of “Eden” (or some other way)?

Either way, I like it!

Great tips, thanks. I knew about the TransVoiceLessons one, but I hadn’t heard of the Seattle one before. I’ll check it out!

Perfect, thank you! This is a great starting point.

That all sounds like great advice; I appreciate it!

I like the idea of having a plan. I’m at the very beginning of transition, so just about all of it is ahead of me. For me, starting with HRT is mostly to stop my body from continuing to change in the wrong direction (hair loss in particular), because the changes take a long time so I might as well get started, and because it’s already clear to me that I would end up starting eventually anyway. I intend to explore every avenue of transition, but it’s definitely too overwhelming to do everything at once, so having a plan to follow would help to avoid spiraling too much and losing momentum that way. And tracking progress like you said seems like a great idea. I tend to get overwhelmed by To Do lists, too, though, so it’s a double-edged sword. 😅

I’m tempted to ask if you have any suggestions on which areas would be most impactful to start with, but that’s probably going to be different for everyone. And it might make more sense to do things in parallel anyway, since so much of it will take time.

I’ve experimented a bit with gaffs, but I ran into…ehrmm…logistical problems. Hoping HRT will help with that, actually. 😅

Definitely agree, though - they are well worth exploring more deeply.

Thank you, this is all great. I’m definitely going to be exploring all aspects of transition to find out what sticks. This post was meant more for things that might otherwise catch me by surprise, directly from the hormones.

I really like that idea about tracking statistics and checking levels. Do you know a good resource for understanding what metrics to track in terms of hormones, and what levels I should be looking for and at what times? Suggestions on which specific measurements are best to track the effects on my body over time are also welcome. Hoping to hit a sweet spot where I’m not leaving out anything meaningful, but also not going overboard.

Good tips, thanks!

I especially like that last point you made. Each time I read it, I get excited all over again! ❤️

Tangential, but since you asked…

Turns out “nervosity” is a word in English. It’s used so rarely, though, that I had to look it up to be sure. What you wrote was perfectly correct, but in that context, most people would probably say something like “nervousness” or “anxiety” (at least in my U.S.-centric experience).

For the record, having learned it, I now like “nervosity” better, and (unless I forget, which is likely) intend to start using it.