Ooh I like that analogy! I’ll keep it in mind as I try to find a name :)
And complete agreement on the importance of getting pierced by a pro! I got two cartilage piercings in my one ear a few years ago, and I had a great experience with the professional piercer, and they warned me off of any place like Claire’s hahah
Coming out to my family is probably the most single difficult thing I’ve ever done.
This is what I’m most afraid of. I know my wife will support me, even if she might struggle with the changes. And her family are more open-minded - at the very least, I think they would have the decency to not talk shit to my face.
My family, though. My brother that I’m closest with has said some transphobic things to me in the past, and the Catholic Church is not exactly the bastion of trans rights. And they’re all intense Catholics, so I’m very worried about how they’ll react. I hate that I have this knot in my stomach, that I have to worry if my family is going to abandon me because I want to be who I really am
I really like the idea of a conversation followed up by a letter! I feel like that would let me make sure I say everything I want to say, how I want to say it, in a form they can keep going back to to reread as much as they need.
Your good job could go away, and you could find it difficult to find a new one.
I am blessed with a great partner who I know would support me, and we could get by without my income, but I also would prefer to keep my job! I like it and think I’m good at it, and even if it is a more conservative field (utilities), I do live in a purple state that has pretty good LGBTQ anti-discrimination laws.
As a general rule, I would flag that as inappropriate.
Good to know! I’ll follow your advice and talk with my usual stylist and go from there.
And I am fortunate to live in a smallish city that does have an LGBTQ resource center (that I’ve heard is quite good), and there’s a larger city that I know has a good community only about 45 minutes away. The one here actually has a TTRPG night every few weeks, and that’s already one of my hobbies!
I also love gardening, art, and sustainability stuff in general, so maybe there’s a chance I could start a queer community garden or something like that!
Oh, and hey, your lemmy friends are here to help too. <3
Thank you so much 💛 it means a lot to get support from this community, and I really really appreciate it
Thank you for your advice 💛 I am very much still in the boat of trying to figure out exactly what transition means for me.
In the short term, I know that I want to keep doing the “easy things” - growing my hair out (it’s already shoulder length, continuing to shave my body and paint my nails, get my ears pierced. All the stuff that I can do and still reasonably pass as cis.
Shaving my face is going to a little trickier - I haven’t been clean shaven in 10 years and my wife has never known me without a beard. So that will be a big change.
I want to start HRT, but that’s a little tricky too, since my wife and I want to have kids. That’s going to have to be a conversation, about whether we do cryo and IUI, or adopt, or if there’s an off chance that HRT doesn’t make me sterile.
As far as surgeries, I feel like that’s a little hard to say right now, without knowing where I’ll be with my transition after socially transitioning and a few years of HRT. I’m not opposed to FFS, top surgery, and I don’t really have dysphoria about my genitals right now, although I know that can change over time.
I feel like it’s hard to be able to say “I want to do X, Y, and Z, and then I’ll be done transitioning.” Right now, it feels a lot more like “I know the direction I want to keep moving in, but I don’t know what the ‘end point’ is”, if that makes sense.
And yes, please share your spiel on names!
Thank you! 💛 I don’t feel discouraged at all, that’s exactly the kind of advice I was looking for.
Because you’re right, I definitely don’t want to come across as intrusive to someone I don’t really know. But I think talking to someone would really help me to start to get some answers about what sort of networks and doctors are available locally.
Pacing myself is hard, but I think you’re right, and I’m going to have to keep reminding myself - it’s a marathon, not a sprint.
Yep, exactly! I don’t want to assume they’re up for it and then be a burden, or ask for something that isn’t a fair request of someone I don’t really know.
There is also a local resource center that has a trans peer support group that I might check out too
Would you like to experiment with people using she/her pronouns?
I think so? I’ve used he/they for a while, but people tend to just go with the ‘he’, which feels less and less like me. And it reminds me that most everyone sees me as male, as little as I identify with that. I just need someone I can trust to try them out with without judgment
Would you like to get feminising hormones?
Possibly? It feels like a big commitment though, and I might need to look into having sperm preserved first, since my wife and I do want kids. The effects sound mostly like things I want, but it feels like a “point of no return“ that I don’t know if I’m ready for yet
Would you like to present feminine more often?
100%. My hair is getting pretty long, and I really like having my nails painted. I started shaving my chest, and I want to start shaving my legs and buy some women’s clothes, like skirts and tank tops. And I want to get my earlobes pierced soon to start wearing earrings (in addition to the cartilage piercings i already have). I already get pretty self conscious when I go to work just with long hair and painted nails though. It’s a more conservative field (engineering) so I feel very much like people are looking at me, or I’m the odd one out, and I get nervous about how much I’m pushing the boundaries of what people expect me to be like.
I think I’m going to keep doing more to present more feminine, especially at home, and probably have some conversations with my wife about trying out new pronouns a little.
Thank you for all the advice, I appreciate it :)
For most of my life I identified as “just a regular dude… unfortunately”.
I felt that way for a long time (and still do sometimes). Being raised in a subculture that so heavily reinforces gender roles, it took a long time for me to understand the breadth of people’s gender experiences.
You might like to reflect some more on what this implies about your gender.
I define will, and fortunately, I have therapy this weekend. My therapist has been great about helping me work out some of my gender feelings in a positive and non-judgmental way
And thank you for recommending the sidebar! I’m usually on mobile, so I forget sidebars are a thing, I’ll check out the resources there
Sounds like a great therapist, I’m glad you found her!
It’s funny, I feel somewhat the opposite - I think I might prefer a female body over my current male one, but I don’t have any particular issue with having a dick
Thank you! <3
And your comment is prescient! Earlier today, in my infinite wisdom, I forgot that my YouTube account is logged into our TV, and my wife saw that I had been watching Abigail Thorn’s coming out video. I hadn’t planned on having this particular conversation with her for a little while longer until I felt like I had my thoughts collected better, but we ended up having a very emotional, but I think ultimately good, conversation about where I am with my gender identity and how I want to express it.
She’s very understandably a little overwhelmed and feels like it’s coming on all of a sudden, but she was also very reassuring that she isn’t going anywhere and will support me. I think there are certainly going to be some things that aren’t easy over the course of my transition, but we’re both committed to each other and staying open and communicative. We may do some couples counseling, and go to some support groups for trans people and their spouses, as things progress.
Point well taken though, I will do my best to stay as open and honest as possible throughout!