Yeah, I did a bit of “light” reading yesterday and binged the Gender Dysphoria Bible over a few hours, and, hoo, boy! So many things clicked into place. The lingering thoughts of wanting to be a girl, reading into occult and sex magic, and literally praying to Athena and Aphrodite to change me (God, teenage me, what more of a sign do you need), me casually wanting to, but never being able to try on girl clothes, due to growing up south of the bible belt. And more recently, me coming out as bi semi-publicly (not to previously mentioned bible thumpers though.) Me having more than a casual interest in Targets pride wear (that I missed out on cuz I’m too chicken shit). The thoughts flooding back lately about how I always wanted to be a girl.

It’s a lot for us all to process, but I’ve literally waited all my life for this. I was folding laundry just now. Looking at my clothes in disgust. Thinking about asking my daughter to borrow a pair of capris. I always hated clothing shopping cuz there was nothing for me. I kinda want my wife to take me clothes shopping, to get clothes I want, but I’m scared.

I’m scared I’m gonna go too far, and scare her away

I’m scared I’m gonna go too far and fall back into being a boy again.

I’m scared some bigot is gonna say something and crush me.

I’m scared of thinking I want to be a boy again, of being afraid to be a girl.

It’s safe being gender normative. It’s freeing being me. I don’t wanna go back to that cell. I’m scared.

Sorry for venting on you. I just have so much to say, and I don’t know how to say it, and I have nothing to say, and I’m scared to say it, and I’m scared to leave it bottled. The anonymity feels safe here. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to turn this into a blog post

Thank you. You are loved.