Oh, one more thing. Since you are undecided, I would have sex before deciding if you want to keep it or not. Also don’t rush into that. But basically during sex, subconscious thoughts emerge and that may give you a different perspective, more clarity on what you truly want. It’s too easy to “imagine” how we’ll feel in a situation, especially one we’ve been programmed to think about, but quite different to experience it in reality.

I would just go for an orchie. Then you don’t have to worry about suppressing testosterone ever again. That is a guaranteed easy fix for one problem, and if you think about it, it’s also the common aspect of any further surgery you’d want.

In fact that is exactly what I’m doing in a few months.

Who knows, maybe in the future you will be able to afford the surgery you desire. And you’ll have time to think about it. This is definitely NOT something to rush into with doubts.

Question, does your state require you to have sex reassignment before a name/gender marker change? If not, you are facing a self-imposed limitation, so it’s your choice.

Mine does require it, unfortunately and that makes it a torturous decision for me. I’m hoping that an orchie will be enough. If not, one of the hardest decisions of my life is looming.

Hey I’ve been there. Not so long ago, I would be on reddit asking variations of “am I really trans?”

And everyone would be like “LOLyes”, and I would be like “hmmmok if you say sooo”

I would never, ever, ever go back to testosterone. Estrogen is making my body complete. Even if the rest of my life is a dumpster fire sometimes, I can still love my body <3

My bigger fish to fry? Loneliness and social anxiety. I got the sex and gender bit outta the way. Onto the next challenge.

Oh that hits me right in the feels. I lost my mother last year, before I had the chance to come out to her. So I’ll never get to experience that mother-daughter relationship.

But that means I am super happy for you, and my other siblings with supportive parents. That’s really beautiful <3 I have tears in my eyes for you too.

Medical gatekeeping sucks. I’m sorry you feel like you can’t be honest about yourself. Consider this, you said if you tell your therapist the wrong thing, it could jeopardize access to HRT… that is your main concern. I feel like that alone is a major indicator of your identity. You seem to know your hormones are wrong.

AGP (autogynophilia) is a debunked pseudo-scientific theory. I see that it still exists in your doubts. The notion that trans women exist because we are sexually attracted to women is just wrong lol. That doesn’t happen. Unfortunately there are still therapists out there who follow their “feelings” and outdated approaches that are not recommended by WPATH SoC. If you have such a therapist, find another.

People are only telling you that sexual orientation and gender identity are different things, which is the modern scientific understanding. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be a woman who also finds women and feminine people attractive. You definitely can! Your sexual/romantic attraction implies nothing about your gender.

It’s OK to be uncertain about your sexuality. You’re only 18! At 18, I was super homophobic and repressed any possibly non-hetero attractions. Now at 40, I know that I am pansexual, with a strong preference for feminine people (but not exclusively). Also I’m demisexual and most likely poly. But it took decades to figure this out.

It’s OK to be uncertain about your gender. Have you tried possible affirmations, like a preferred name, pronouns, clothes? How did you feel?

The whole tone of your post reads like a trans woman who is scared to do something or learn something that invalidates her. But we are all different. Even if 100 trans people agree on one thing, that doesn’t make it universal.

You are valid.

Just a heads up that certain trans people, and not a small number, will never trust or like you for admitting this.

I, however, am not one of those people. I would much rather someone be honest and talk about how they’ve changed, than to hide it all or even worse, being a secret LGBTQ nazi.

I know first-hand how they go after disaffected youth. The loners, the outcasts, the frustrated and angry.

Everyone talks about “groomers” these days. What could be worse than convincing kids and young adults to hate others simply for being different: minorities, inmigrants, Jews. That’s like the epitome of evil. That is true grooming, and the far-right are experts at using a variety of tactics. In-person grooming, using peer pressure, gangs, to online via social media, cartoons, memes, jokes.

They deflect responsibility for your own life, it’s all somebody else’s fault, who if eliminated will make everything better and set it back to rights. They take your interests (art, music, books, whatever) and turn it into propaganda, telling you what to think and how to think it.

Anyway thanks for your story, and I’m glad you were able to break free and find your true self :)

I was once tumbling down that same rabbithole, thankfully escaped before I hurt anyone. Now I have a score to settle with those bastards.

Hey just wanted to drop a couple of FACTS:

1. You’re a woman.
2. Sounds like you were AMAB, so this makes you trans.
3. You are valid!

Now that’s out of the way, have you ever thought about names? How about using pronouns, maybe have your wife try feminine nicknames, pronouns etc with you and see how it feels.

For me, it still feels magical to hear my correct pronouns and names being used <3 Or when my partner calls me a woman, girl, etc. Like is this real, can this be happening?!

Having a supportive partner is one of THE most important things, I mean someone you spend so much time with, who knows you so well, to offer that kind of unconditional acceptance, that’s a rare and beautiful thing.

That being said… this is probably a big adjustment for her too. She might need time to fully process things. Don’t be surprised if some of the dynamics of the relationship change.

And well, my partner is also super supportive, but like, I think I do annoy them with my obsessive moods lol. Yes, sometimes I’m gonna take 100 selfies because I still can’t believe this. Or being mesmerized by how I look with eyeliner for the first time. Or shopping for clothes. Or taking three hours to get ready to go out.

There is so much to do, and I try to make up for all the lost years, but we have to be careful not to overwhelm those around us. Good communication from both sides will do wonders. Remember you both have needs.

Being trans is a lot. It’s amazing, it’s horrible, exciting, boring, frightening, frustrating, too slow, too fast, the highest highs and the lowest lows. You have some great times ahead, and maybe a few not-so-great, but keep your head up. You got this, girl!

For real you have glorious hair. Like take one big handful of it… that’s more than all the hair on my head combined.

There’s a lot of potential there.

I also part my hair in the middle by nature, with it falling equally on both sides. I found that I can achieve some really interesting, different looks by side parting, and optionally pinning back the side. Kind of a variation on an “undercut” but I don’t really wanna shave off my hair! Braiding seems to be the “trendy” way to do this, but idk how to braid my hair yet.

You could get some hair ties and experiment with pony tail(s) and partitioning your hair in interesting ways. The way I look at this, there are no rules actually when it comes to your style. How people create new trends is just that, breaking existing rules. Goth can overlap with many other styles, western, punk, cyber, industrial, even pastel goths are a thing!

I think the main difference between your selfies is in #1 you are looking down at the camera, in #2 you are looking up. Perspective difference changes the perceived shape of your face. I’m exactly the same way; my favorite selfies are at an angle from above. In fact that’s a super common way to take selfies if you ever notice.

Now, why does that matter?

No seriously lol. Why does it matter how you look in selfies. Honey you wanna be your gorgeous self all the time. Nobody is going to see you as a selfie, except on the internet.

So get yourself a lighted vanity if you don’t already have one. Put it somewhere comfortable and take a seat (mine is on the kitchen table). This is how you’re going to work on your look.

I have had tremendous success with eyeliner. You want a goth look? Eye makeup is a big key to that. My partner gave me their “pencil” which is actually like a cream or something but in shape of a pencil. This tutorial helped me greatly: https://www.wikihow.com/Apply-Eyeliner

As you can see, there are many different types of eyeliner. You don’t need anything super fancy or expensive to start.

The other key part is lipstick, dark colors are kinda standard for goth looks. I got a dark purple which is OK… but I think I’ll pick a more neutral color next time.

In fact I got a cheap “all-in-one” makeup set with gel eyeliner, blush, eye shadow and lip tint in it. None of it is great, but perfect for learning technique and finding your best colors! I brought my own brush set, a good set helps.

other basic supplies you need: cotton balls, makeup remover wipes, q-tips.

That’s such bullshit.

My mom was extremely bitter about some of her experiences as a hospital nurse, certain hospitals had a lot of internal politics and backstabbing that went on. Smile to your face and stab you in the back? Oh yes. Can’t remember if she left or was let go, but it didn’t end well.

I guess that’s true in most fields. Hopefully you won’t let a handful of assholes ruin your desire to make the world better.

Though if you do, I can’t blame you. I left engineering and software dev forever, after becoming very disillusioned and finding I truly didn’t much care for the people or the work. Not at all what I had envisioned.

Thanks for reading and commenting, dude <3 I really should have posted this on the all-gender trans community, because it applies to most of us (not only transfems). Oh well, I’m subbed now so I’ll try to be active there too!

Excellent! I knew there was something there, but I lacked the terminology. I will definitely research this more, thanks.

And a podcast called The Gender Rebels? Heck yeah! <3

Ha you found it. I considered rephrasing that, but was lazy and left it as-is.

What I meant was I want to be seen as a woman in other people’s eyes. The same way they see a cis woman.

But yes, it is a significant difference to talk about gender in terms of becoming or desiring vs what we already are. Here is my current relationship with these terms:

• I am a woman (gender, internal).
• I want to be seen as a woman (gender/sex, external).
• I am transitioning from male-dominant behaviors and appearance to female-dominant (transgender/transsex, external).
• I am increasingly perceived as a woman (gender/sex, external).

It’s complicated. Part of me is the activist, proud and defiant, waving a flag and yelling “trans rights!” The other part would opt for peaceful assimilation into cisgender society, if that were ever truly possible.

Ah that’s rough. That’s super tough. And all too common. I think it’s very noble of you to place so much value on your relationships, that you deny yourself something so fundamental. I think if your wife understood what that means… well cisgender people can never really understand how it feels.

I cry a bit for you sister. I’m not married and will never have children, so I get to do whatever I want (yay?). But I have to say, it’s a helluva tradeoff and I think if I could go back and do it over again, I would have tried harder to find someone and get married earlier in life. It’s what I always craved.

Sigh. Well all is not lost. Some people don’t transition until their 50s and 60s, or even later. That’s many years away, who knows what might change. You walk a difficult path, like all of us, and I hope you continue to find comforts and happiness, and yourself, along the way.

For skincare routine, I’ve never used a sugar scrub, but indeed exfoliation is a key component. Best to be gentle, I like to exfoliate a few times a week. Before HRT, I would do so every day, because my skin was thicker and more oily. The other keys are keeping your skin clean - I like a gentle cleanser like off-brand cetaphil - and moisturuzed. Moisturizer can be tricky because it’s not one-type-fits-all. There are different moisturizers for different skin types (sensitive, dry, oily, combination) and the wrong one might cause breakouts or irritation. I personally love Oil of Olay daily with SPF 15. My face hardly needs makeup bc I take super good care of it (ok, HRT helps but it’s not everything).

I’m going through a rough patch atm with electrolysis, it creates little sores and makes my skin break out. Just something to watch out for as you pursue hair removal.

Also don’t neglect your lips, they can also be exfoliated and moisturuzed. My lips with a little balm or aloe look as nice as lipstick.

I would opt for subtle changes over time. It’s up to you, of course, but I had some success tweezing my brows gradually. After months, they were quite a bit thinner, but not “weird” and it wasn’t a sudden drastic change that would draw attention. But indeed I propose talking with a professional who does this every day for a living.

You know what, I get more and more defiant about the government bullshit. One of the things that kept me going when I was at my lowest? Spite. Lotsa spite, deciding that I’m gonna live to be an endless thorn in these bastards’ sides. And I’m gonna help others be the same. The funny thing is once I made it out of the valley I was in, I found a lot more reasons to keep going, which was a nice bonus.

Another thing that helps is knowing there are so many of us out there. Even if we are made to suffer, we won’t suffer alone. Every little podunk town has a couple trans folks in it, and that’s beautiful.

For my part, I’d like to pair off with one or more transbians, find a nice place to live, look after eachother, and fully enjoy what life has to offer. That’s my trans dream lol; politicians, and courts, gender markers and IDs, and police officers be damned. How are they gonna stop me, nuh uh ~

Yep, kids get it.

I was shopping for boots, and this little boy came up to me “excuse me m’am” and proceded to ask me if I found the “gold bar” he was carrying impressive. lol

I’m always afraid kids will be like “hey are you a boy or a girl” but so far that has never happened, thank god

Yeah, my issues also worsened after puberty, although that’s pretty common with mental health. I think gender dysphoria became a clearly distinguishable phenomenon for me in my mid-twenties. My body developed slower than average, so facial and body hair didn’t become a pressing concern until then. I looked naturally effeminate and androgynous, and the potential loss of that was kinda devastating and triggered gender explorations.

My mind has definitely changed since HRT. I’m not sure if there’s any scientific evidence for this yet. But like, one thing that happened is I lost virtually all interest in technical work, like engineering or programming that used to captivate me. I can’t do it anymore. But in its place, I feel so much more connected to artistic endeavors. Writing, drawing, composing, or just admiring others’ work.

I don’t think it’s because a sex hormone decides our abilities, but rather it changed my perceptions and kinda rewired my brain. New antianxiety and antidepressant meds also played a role, I’m sure.

Emotions are a bit different now, the highs and lows feel different, the strongest emotions like love feel different. I feel them flowing through my whole body, it’s hard to explain. The sort of tingly electrical feeling, and bliss of love and attraction.

Hey there, Amber! Did I get your name right?

The right answer is there’s no right answer :)

You want to do all the things, feel all the things, be all the things, all at once. So very understandable. And I’m sorry we all have to go through this phase: the confusion, mourning what can never be, longer for what might be, impatient for changes, stuck waiting, sailing as it were without a compass.

It’s the classic transgender experience, and it’s both terrible and wonderful.

If it helps, I understand, and I’m one of many who has faced these struggles, and is moving forward. Just like you will, when the time comes. I’ll offer some practical tips below, but first I want to tell you briefly what it’s like to be an older trans girl.

I started transition at 37, and let me tell you, the past three years have been FULL of moments of girlhood, blended with mature adulthood. It’s a strange combination. Sometimes I feel so new, everything seems so special and magical, other times I’m simply over it. Right now I’m experimenting with my style, totally in the goth and emo phase – we’re never too old for this – and absolutely rocking it.

Last weekend, I spent hours applying makeup and debating over my outfit before going to an EDM party. I ended up in a skirt, fishnet tights, button up shirt, loose tie with fancy knot, leather jacket, and patent platform boots. I danced for one of the first times in my life, all night long. I was silly, I was unleashed, free spirit, blissful. Maybe I don’t pass perfectly yet, but it didn’t matter. I have never wanted to dance like that before, never had the confidence to try.

It’s not exactly the same as being a cis girl. But it is damn close, the feelings inside me, the desire to explore my identity, the doubts, pushing boundaries, the joys of practicing my walk, my voice, my makeup skills. Touching and holding my chest, double checking my reflection in the mirror, I can hardly believe this is me! But I’ve been here living every day of it.

At work, other women have become so forthcoming and trusting of me, about very intimate matters and it’s something I never experienced before. The sense of kinship is there, even if I’m not fully out yet. They sense who I am, regardless of how I look.

What I mean is you will find girlhood and womanhood, actually you are already there, and part of the journey is wondering if you’re doing it all correctly. But you will experience the pain and pleasure of it, in your own time and way, just like every other woman.

Can I ask why you’ll “never get HRT?”

To your questions about what you can do today? I’ll dump a bunch of ideas here but the point isn’t to tackle them all. Just imagine the possibilities. From time to time, you will feel the time is right, and you will add something new to your arsenal. It might take months or years.

I literally started with cheap lingerie and nail polish. Long before I knew I was trans. The pleasure, the sense of calm and rightness from wearing a stuffed bra, seeing what I might look like, a preview of how I look now – could there have been any greater sign of my gender identity? Seeing my nails in sky blue was a delight. I think nail polish is a great place to start, it’s an act of self-care, a sort of ritual, but give yourself considerable leeway for mistakes. It takes a while to find the right touch.

Clothing? A sports bra. Dead simple and super euphoria inducing. Also panties. This is the base you begin with. Eventually I switched to panties every day, and once HRT kicked in, wore bras daily for years. (Ironically, the farther I progress the less need I have for these “props” if you will, and often don’t wear bras anymore).

I can recommend tights, thigh highs, stockings. With all clothes, get a tape measure to estimate your sizing. They do make foot and legwear for taller, thicker girls, even if it’s harder to find. I can offer suggestions if needed.

Dresses are far more difficult. Let me tell you something I’ve learned. Every woman will look awful in certain styles. But every woman will look amazing in others. For me personally, bony, skinny, and not so curvy, I look great in clothes that flare out to provide a sense of curviness. Many women are the same.

But honestly I wouldn’t start with dresses. Those are easier when you have a lot of momentum already. Try a women’s cut shirt or polo. For more of a challenge but to see your figure change temporarily, try a corset or waist trainer. Mini skirts are nice too, and a classic trans girl wear paired with thigh highs.

Get some women’s jeans, you can get any number of styles. My classic “fem” look for the first couple of years was a women’s shirt, skinny jeans and a sports bra. Super basic, simple, but euphoria inducing. Only in the last month have I progressed to more diverse options, camis, crop tops, skinny straps, mesh shirts. I’ve started using layers more, as my wardrobe grows, and wearing makeup more often, especially eyeliner and nail polish.

But you gotta start somewhere and start simple. Same with makeup. Take a girlfriend to the drugstore with you, get a few cheap options she thinks might look good on you, get a vanity mirror, go home and relax and try it. Remember to use a light touch, not as if you are plastering a ceiling, but rather as if putting fine finishing touches on a masterpiece. Go light, subtle, and accept imperfections. “Perfect is the enemy of good”. Try a little foundation, a little blush, lipstick, but if you can do eye makeup – you won’t want or need much else.

Oh and you’ll want a good spf moisturizer under it all. Like seriously, if you really work just on skincare alone, you might find yourself making cis women jealous. Other women tell me all the time how my skin is “pretty”, but like, it’s a ton of work. I wasn’t born with it. Keeping acne under control, shaving, exfoliating, getting plenty of rest, drinking enough water, avoid sunburn (big hats are your friend), eating healthy, dont smoke, or drink in excess. These are all things you can work on for pretty skin. Obviously HRT would help too. But your skin will reflect your overall health.

About looking at yourself in the mirror, try a vanity with ring light, those are designed to make us look good lol. Avoid wall mirrors, harsh lighting. I still don’t like the way certain mirrors make me look. But it has gotten much better. Changing my hair style, washing my face, taking a shower, a few things that give me a fresher more appealing look.

If face hair is a concern, look into professional laser or electrolysis hair removal. Pricey, but effective. I feel much more comfortable with my face now the dark hairs have been removed. It is a huge relief to only shave once a week, if needed, I’m still working on the light hairs. Beard shadow is greatly reduced, which means one less thing to cover with makeup!

As you progress you might decide to take other steps, sharing your name and pronouns with others (friends, family, coworkers), voice training on your own or with a therapist, medical transition with HRT and various other surgical options. I don’t go into much detail here because it seems you are still quite early on, but please do ask if you have questions about these things.

Oooh you sound just like me. If you read my recent “Miracle Year” post here I think you will identify quite closely with it especially the parts about fear of being yourself. Except… you are stuck in the middle and haven’t yet come through the other side. You haven’t had your “breaking free” moment. That’s ok. It takes time, and everyone’s journey is a little different.

First, have you considered that your anxiety and depression might not be caused by dysphoria? There doesn’t always have to be an obvious cause… sometimes our brains just work differently and it’s not something that ever “goes away” but requires lifelong management.

I will say that when I am in a depressive episode, and it can certainly be exacerbated by weather, seasons, stressors, etc., it is very difficult to think positively of myself. My negativity turns inward, and at those times I wonder what is wrong with me, what I’m doing wrong to feel this way, and the tendency is to be hypercritical.

What if I told you, you aren’t doing anything wrong to feel depressed and anxious, but it truly can’t be helped? The solution which I hope you have access to, is medication and/or therapy from a qualified individual. You will likely never be “cured” but it is possible to learn how to cope, how to identify unhealthy thoughts, and minimize the effects.

Now more to the point. You want breasts and overall a more feminine appearance. That is dysphoria. You have an internal need for a body which doesn’t match the one you were born into. You have taken steps to change this. You have gender dysphoria and you are transgender. There is no simpler or more obvious definitions than these :)

Really your situation could be much more complicated. You don’t mention anywhere that you regret transitioning or that you dislike the changes you’ve experienced, or regret taking HRT. Rather, you say that problems remain and you are looking for solutions, particularly in the realm of social transition if I’m understanding you correctly.

Let’s work with the facts you have dysphoria and are transgender. So anything you feel, doubts, anxiety, whatever, are not a question of “appropriating” gender identity or faking it. You can’t fake what by definition is an inherent part of you.

In my “Miracle Year” post I identify retrospectively what delayed my progress and held me back. What I still struggle with. Are you ready? I have found the enemy and the enemy is… us. It’s you, it’s me. We are our own worst enemies. We allow doubts and uncertainties to control us. We impose artificial barriers and constraints on ourselves. Sure, others might not like us, but who holds the real power?

Did you know that, when you are in the bathroom afraid to leave the stall, you could just as easily leave with confidence and even make small talk with other women as you wash your hands, check your makeup, or whatever?

Did you know that tomorrow you could decide to confidently wear any outfit you want on public transport?

Obviously you have to consider your safety. Safety was always one of my primary concerns. It’s a scary world sometimes. I would suggest not traveling alone when possible. Having my partner with me really helps me gain the self-confidence to be myself in public.

Have you tried voice training? Unfortunately HRT alone won’t help, it will require a concerted daily effort to change. There are youtube videos, apps like Voice Tools. I’ve been seeing a speech therapist for personalized care, sadly my insurance doesn’t pay the $200/session fee, not everyone will find that manageable, but it has been super helpful. I didn’t begin voice therapy until almost three years into my transition.

Do you have a plan, maybe just a list of things you want to accomplish as part of your transition? I found that writing them down helps me focus, and it provides a great sense of accomplishment to measure my progress, marking items off the list.

Maybe brainstorm a little, write down things you still need to work on, for example voice training, dressing authentically in public, changing gender markers, updating name and pronouns, etc.

Well this is a quite long comment even if I feel so much more could be said, but I hope if you have any questions or lingering doubts, you will ask away :)

Um ok, first of all, the sexual fantasies, kinks, fetishes, attractions – that’s not gender. That has nothing to do with your gender.

“Sissy hypno” isn’t going to turn you into a girl, or teach you how to “think like a girl”. I don’t have a problem with it, in fact it can be fun sometimes, but it’s not really my thing.

Your gender is something you were born with, whether you acknowledge it, whether you even know it. It’s inside you, it’s who you are. As you seem confused about this, you are what I would call “questioning” or exploring your gender identity but haven’t come to a solid conclusion yet.

Gender is more complex than boy vs girl. A person can also be nonbinary gender: either a blend of boy and girl, or neither. If you are a boy, it doesn’t matter what you do or think, you will always be a boy. If you are a girl, it’s the same. Once that clicks into place, you will understand.

Gender is also different than having masculine or feminine traits or personality. Women can be masculine, and men can be feminine, it happens sometimes. But their genders don’t change.

Sexuality is similar, your orientation is something you’re born with. And it is far more complex than gay or straight. You could be bisexual, asexual, demisexual – there are many possibilities.

Porn isn’t reality, so until you are really with someone, you won’t know what you like. Trust me, it’s so different being with a real person. Sometimes you imagine you will feel one way, but in the moment it’s completely different.

I was a virgin and unkissed until age 32, so I kinda understand where you are. I think you may be struggling with guilt or shame over your gender and/or sexuality, which is confusing the situation. Remember it’s not about what others think, not family or friends or religion, you are who you are. If you are a straight man, that’s valid. If you are a gay man, or straight girl, or bisexual enby, that is also valid!

Don’t worry about who you are supposed to be. You wanna know what it’s like to dress like a girl, wear makeup, have a female name, use she/her pronouns? Try it! You might hate it, or you might like it. At some point you need to get out of your head, and discover who you really are :)