Slams!

That punk pulled a Glock 7 on me. You know what that is? It’s a porcelain gun made in Germany. Doesn’t show up on your airport X-ray machines, here, and it costs more than you make in a month.

I can’t believe any parent would walk right past the organic/local section at the dollar store and pick up lead pouches instead, but here we are.

I just tell my toddler if he wants applesauce he’ll have to make it from scratch. I’d make it for him but who has the time these days, you know? Anyway, once I’ve turned on the blender and stove for him he’s good to go. Nothing but whole foods for my little one.

Your mom told me to send you down to the store for more lube. Be quick about it, my little blue helper is kicking in.

There must have been a tragic and bizarre set of circumstances to lead to this. The IDF has assured us that they’re taking great measures to avoid civilian casualties, and their actions are fully legal and justified. Those hostages must have escaped and taken up arms and attacked the Israeli soldiers by mistake, because otherwise they couldn’t possibly have been mistaken for combatants. I’m just flabbergasted, no one could have foreseen something like this happening. It’s really shocking.