I always pictured myself as the girl too. I tended to repress it because I didn’t want to do anything “gay” even when completely alone masturbating. Lesbian porn never really did it for me, even though now I think of myself more as a lesbian even though I’m bi. It was always way too performative and male gaze for me, when all I wanted to see was horny women getting each other off because they wanted to. It was all very confusing back then but now I know I really wanted to be the girl, but I have a penis so I felt like it didn’t really fit. Trans porn was even more performative and for the male gaze, and I didn’t want to look like a bimbo like a lot of the trans women in porn end up looking, so while I found trans porn really hot I never really identified that I wanted to be them. Gender and sex are so fucking complicated.