The freezer handle has fallen off. The plastic drawers are cracked or fallen off altogether. The ice maker will make ice even if it is full and will end up getting jammed. Otherwise, it cools and freezes.

I hate that fridge

Dogs are too dumb to conspire. Smart enough to sit and recognize smells, but too dumb for complex thought.

What’s his secret service bite count so far?

I feel like it’s a disservice to call adopted cats “rescues”. Dogs need rescuing. Cats are usually fine if you leave them be.

Now they won’t scratch the couch to, right Anakin?

I imagine a cat that could fly

I suggest you never sleep.

Have you tried pushing it off the counter twice?

Very short

My penis is often mistaken for a leg too.

“I wouldn’t say you own me, but it is cold in here and your lap is warm, so maybe I own your lap”.

I have a black kitten who LOVES belly rubs. He’s so weird.

The republicans I have talked with would fully be in board with this. They think NATO is an archaic organization that only existed because of the Cold War and should be disbanded…

They just want you to be happy. Even if something happened to them.