Ah, good old Book of Erotic Fantasy. It’s so gloriously stupid that everyone should own a copy. That table is by far not the silliest part of the book.

It’s only bested by the official sex rulebook for The Dark Eye, which is an April Fools joke that spiraled out of control and has actual rules for intercourse – deliberately bureaucratic and unsexy ones included purely as a “you asked for it” joke at the reader’s expense.

If you’re deeply afraid of the AfD ever rising to power I’d say you fit right in as a proper German.

Or, if your campaign involves time travel shenanigans, themselves from a future they’re trying to prevent?

Alternatively you turn it around and play it like a buddy cop movie: The straight-laced paladin screwed up and ended up breaking the law big time. He’s given probation of he does some stuff for the city and the probation officer happens to be the loosest cannon in the entire force.

Cue the rogue constantly operating on “eh, it’s probably going to be okay” (and getting his way because he’s the actual cop) and the paladin burning half of his spell slots on curing the ulcers he’s developing.

Exalted: The darkness turns out to be a component soul of the Ebon Dragon and now it’s angry. Fetch another bucket of dice and roll to Join Battle.

Battletech: You land a through-armor crit on the darkness’s hip actuator. The darkness falls – let me check that table – on its left side and probably won’t be getting up again any time soon.

As one of the perpetrators players I have to issue a correction:

The supernatural STD was actually fully contained by pure accident. Patient zero ended up in medical care, the party (all of whom caught it) somehow ended up having intercourse with very few people despite their best efforts, and the one other person that did get infected ended up joining the party.

I’d also point out that the STD had to be invented to explain an absurdly improbable string of crit successes and fails on skill checks that led to a party member getting seduced by someone with so many negative charisma modifiers stacked up that he was less attractive than the ground he was standing on. And then it happened again right afterwards.

And that wasn’t the only bizarre string of extreme die rolls: The combat-inept party member turning into One Punch Man involved a series of 17 rolls, 14 of which were either crit fails or crit successes. At one point dfyx threw up his arms and said that the punch (a crit, naturally) did an absurd 5d6 damage, which of course came up as all sixes. Then two party members crit failed trying to administer first aid.

Oh, and dfyx forgot to mention that one other party member one-critted a raging bull with a rapier but that was so mundane compared to the rest of this pile-up of improbability that it’s easy to overlook.

That one-shot was cursed.

Cleric: We believe you sold your soul.

Celestial warlock: Well, yes. To your god.

Cleric: That’s unethical! You should be ashamed of yourself!

Celestial warlock: So does that mean you worship someone inherently unethical or was he just unethical when he bought my soul?

Cleric: …

Celestial warlock: You’re just jealous because he doesn’t let you shoot energy beams at will, right?

Cleric: Damn straight I am!